Good evening, I’d first like to start off by saying how much I’ve enjoyed reading your advice the past couple of days. Ok, now to the point.
Over the past 2-3 months I’ve started hooking up with this man. Let’s call this man Trey. I met Trey very randomly through someone who neither one of associate with now. Anyways, the first time I met Trey we talked a bit and were watching TV. Next thing I remember I had Trey face down. You know the rest. Within that same week we hooked up 2 other times. Now when we originally first met we really didn’t delve into each other’s personal lives like that. However, the more we started to hook up we gradually opened up to each, or so I thought. Trey did eventually tell me he was seeing a woman and didn’t want me to stop anything I had or was doing with anyone male or female. Gradually the more we talked I learned when a “good” time to text or call him was and when I shouldn’t do those things. One night after the very good sex that we have I showered and then he did. While he was in the shower I took it upon myself to look in his wallet and I looked at his ID. Now this couldn’t have been but more than a month and a half in when I did this. To my surprise Trey wasn’t Trey but was someone else. When he got out the shower I had already put everything back and acted like nothing happened. In fact I had him bent over very shortly after he got out the shower.
Now after that night I didn’t think anything of it. Fast forward a couple of days later we were talking and he abruptly ended the conversation and wouldn’t answer my texts. I just so happened to be up late at night and I took it upon myself to see who he really was. Now at first I couldn’t find anything based on his name or number and it stumped me. However, being the private investigator that I am, I ended up finding a marriage license in the county public records. When I found that I tracked the wife down on Facebook and subsequently found him. Now her page is semi private and his is completely private. On hers because we aren’t friends it only shows old information. From what I’ve pieced together they have at least 2-3 kids. Two days later he comes over and we do our usual. We did go get food and for the first time I let him drive his car. Inside was a bumper sticker for a school that says “My child attends blah blah blah.” He did see me look at it and he acknowledged and said yes I have a kid that goes there. At this point I’ve never told him I know he is married or has probably more than one kid.
Like I said its only been about 3 months but we have both expressed our feelings for each other. We have talked about how this was just to be a fwb type of situation but we have come to actually care for each other more than that. But I “know” his situation about his girl (only what he believes I know, that he told me he has a girlfriend) and him not being out or really comfortable with his sexuality so we both have acknowledged that yes we care for each other but we can’t be together in the capacity that we want to.
He still does not know that I know he is legally married and I dont want or feel the need to tell him in fear or ruining our complicated situationship. I can be brutally honest and say I “justify” my actions (which I do feel morally wrong for sleeping with a married man) by saying that I don’t really know his situation. I feel like A) he could be divorced or separated (the reason i feel like he might be is because he usually stays over at my place until 2 or 3 am and I know no black woman or any woman for that matter is that oblivious or ok with her man coming home that late) B)he has spent the night C) I honestly just push the thought out of my head.
I said all of this to say that I feel foolish and wanted your advice on what I should do. Should I tell him I know he is legally married? Should I end things with him? Or should I ride it out until I move out of the city for my job in 2 months?
Lost and Confused
I apologize that this is so long. I didn’t want to miss anything
Whenever individuals decide to put their heart in the hands of another person, there is always a chance their heart will take on a few bumps and bruises. Folks are imperfect and prone to make mistakes, and some relationships and situationships simply can’t survive the imperfections and mistakes. People lie. People cheat. Heck, sometimes people do both. And broken hearts are the result. However, I wish people stop using the experience of heartache and pain, to demonize all men and to swear off all men.
Let me warn you, this is going to be a complicated question. Well it’s complicated to me at least. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years. If you were to ask me 2 weeks ago, I would have said we were for sure going to get married. We bought a house together and everything. However 2 weeks ago while he was on a guys trip with his best friends, I checked the mail and saw a letter addressed to him marked urgent. Or maybe it said important notice. It said something. Anyway, I was naturally concerned, so I opened the letter to see if there was something I could take care of for him while he was enjoying his vacation. Reading the letter, I was stunned to learn it was a notice for a missed child support payment. I read that notice from top to bottom to make sure it was actually for my boyfriend and it was. I wanted to call him right then and there to ask him what was up, because he never told me he had a child. But my best friend told me to wait until he got home and confront him, so I did.
As soon as he walked through the door, I started asking questions trying to get answers. I thought maybe he had cheated on me with a woman or something in the time we’ve been together. I’m not sure if I should be thankful for it or not, but he told me his kid is 9 years old. He promised me he never cheated on me. So when I asked why he never told me he had a child and why I’ve never seen her, he told me he doesn’t see her that often because he doesn’t have a good relationship with her mother.
I’m just so hurt by all this. I don’t know what to do here? I love him so much and have envisioned a future with this man, but now I don’t know if I can trust him. Then there’s the fact his relationship with his daughter is not the best. He swears he talks to her at least once a week and has never missed a child support payment before now, but the fact he doesn’t see her bothers me. We’ve lived together for over a year, and that child has yet to be in our house. Apparently, she only lives about 5 hours away.
Long story short, what should I do? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Dazed and Confused
I have read a few of your comments, and I must say you give very good advice, so it is with a very heavy heart that I write to you. See my problem is this, I had been seeing this gentlemen for about four months, we have been intimate with each other for about three of them. You see I am HIV positive and have been since 1987, it is not an easy thing to deal with but has become so over the years. Except one thing, and that is the rejection when I tell someone my status. I have been rejected so many times because of it. But let me tell you, as I said I had been seeing a brotha for a while. When we had first met and started talking, the issue of HIV never came up, we went out and had some fun and drinks and before we knew it, it was off to the bedroom. The sex was good, really good, after the first time I started to feel bad because I realized I had not given him notice or a chance to make a decision on whether he wanted to have sex with someone HIV positive. It took me some time to tell him which I did on may 6th, I told him that I really needed to talk to him about something really serious, and that we should meet when I get home from work in an hour. He didn’t live far from me, only a 15 minute drive. I got home, called him to come over, but he was kind of busy and just wanted me to tell him over the phone. I didn’t want to do that, this was a face to face conversation in my book, but he demanded that I tell him, so I did.
Well as expected, it did not go well and I hurt him. I hurt myself at the same time, it had been weighing on my heart and soul for some time. I knew he deserved to know for his protection, so I did the right thing and told him. I realize it was late in the game. He got angry and called me the faggot word. I apologized over and over, even sent him a very long text doing saying I am so sorry. I am in tears, feeling sad. I want to know how he is. I have been blocked and unfriended. Now what do I do? It is hurting me and I am sure it is hurting him too. I broke his trust and maybe his heart at the same time. I will never again be sexual with anyone without informing them first. Just like I use to tell guys, and they would run from me, it looks like it has happened again. My fault I should have told him first. Now what?
I met this cool guy on Jack’d, and a few nights ago was the first time we went out. I was actually excited. When we were talking on Jack’d, I felt like we just clicked. But when we met up at the restaurant, I kept thinking I was catfished. The dude looked like the pictures he sent me, but he was so stiff and boring. The convos were stale, and I laughed only once. Who can be with someone that doesn’t make them laugh? After distancing myself from him since the date, he texted me and asked me when we were going out again. Because my dating season has been dry, I’m tempted to give him another try, just because of our past online convo. On the other hand, I don’t want to waste my time. What are your thoughts?