According to T,
I’m writing you about my problem, because my friends think I’m being an idiot. Hopefully you don’t think the same. The problem I’m having is I still love my ex. Quick backstory, we were only together for a little over a year, but toward the end of the relationship he started acting funny. I found out he was acting funny because his ex popped back up in his life and he realized he still had feelings for him. To be clear he didn’t cheat on me. He said he had feelings for both of us, but I wasn’t about to stick around while he was on the fence about who he wanted to be with, so I dipped.
Recently I ran into my ex at Starbucks, and he looked great. I mean, he was finer than I remember. Anyway, we talked for a little bit at Starbucks, then started texting later that night. He apologized for hurting me, and wishes he handled things between us differently. He says he and his ex weren’t meant to be and he’s completely over him, and he knew that shortly after we broke up. He didn’t call me because he thought I wouldn’t have answered the phone. And he’s right, because at that time I wouldn’t have answered the phone.
Now that some time has gone by, and we’ve cleared things up, I still feel drawn to him. I know he’s still feeling me, because he said he wants us to try again. My friends say I’d be an idiot to let him back in, but damn it I like him. What are your thoughts?
-Still Want Him
Hi, I’m so heartbroken.
My ex broke with me yesterday. We were in a face to face relationship for a year, then he leaves for school and we committed to a LDR for a year and a half, a total of 2 years and 6 months being a couple. I really really really didn’t see this coming, 10 days before breaking up he told me that I was so good to him, he told me please never give up on him or us, that I was for sure the love of his life and that he wanted everything with me. I saw him last week, I visited him and i thought we were just fine… he confessed that he had cheated on me hours before I arrived, days after he told me that I was the one without a doubt.
I cannot believe that he cheated, not after all we have been trough after all the love we have. We weren’t a toxic relationship at all, I mean everyone said that we were so rare so unreal.
I love him so so so much.
The thing is that he liked being with someone else, so he told me that this girl was no one, but having sex with someone different is what he liked, and that’s why he broke up with me, so he can enjoy his 20’s and be ready for a serious and strong loving relationship.
I don’t know if I want him back because I feel like I can’t trust him because of the cheating plus the LDR, but I just want him to love me, to worry about me, to stay in touch, to be friends but really close friends and maybe In a future, be the strong and loving couple we were.
Please advise me, do we have a future right now? Or maybe later? Can we and how can we be friends?
First and foremost, I love what you’re doing here. Like that you created something for us by us. It’s like you’re the FUBU of advice or something. That’s definitely a throwback and not the point. The point and the question I have is about my friend and ex.
Here’s the thing, my ex and I broke up about three months ago after a two year relationship. We are still cool. About a month ago a friend of mind reached out to me and wanted to know if he could hit up my ex to help him start his business. My friend is trying to flip houses, and my ex is a realtor assessor, so it makes sense for my friend to want my ex’s advice. Of course I was cool with them talking because I support friends chasing bags. However, my friend contacted him a month ago, and now it seems like him and my ex are cool. As a matter of fact, they are too damn cool.
I feel like my friend is breaking friend code by building a friendship with someone I used to date. Especially, because I’m starting to think my friend may be catching feelings for my ex. My friend has been sneaky in the past with another friend’s ex, and I don’t want him pulling that with me. If you were me, what would you do?
Believer in the Code
I’m having relationship problems, or at least I am. Can’t say my boyfriend sees there is anything wrong. I want you to know I’m a really nice and sympathetic person. I’m not some kind of heartless monster. However, I’m getting sick and tired of my boyfriend of two months catering to his ex.
See my boyfriend’s ex apparently is going through a lot right now. According to the ex, his dad almost died because of diabetes he didn’t know he had. The ex’s dad had been touch and go for a few weeks not sure he would make it, but he turned a corner and is slowly starting to recover. Plus, the ex claims that his sister is in an abusive relationship with the father of her kids. In the midst of all the issues going on in the ex’s life, he has been blowing up my boyfriend needing to talk and someone to lean on.
While I understand my boyfriend and his ex were together for over five years, they’ve been broken up for about a year. I don’t get why his ex is constantly coming to him when things come up. I feel like the ex is still leaning on my boyfriend like he’s still his man, and that bothers me. I want to say something to my bf, but I don’t want to sound like some selfish nasty person. But the longer I remain quiet, the more I find myself being shady to my boyfriend, causing him to keep asking what’s wrong. I haven’t told him, because I don’t want to sound insensitive and come off uncompassionate. So what do I do? Say something to my boyfriend? Or swallow my feelings and pretend nothing is wrong with me, and have my boyfriend feel my anger boil up? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
-Real Deal Jones
I just started following you on IG this morning, I am super fascinated in your website thus far and appreciate your insights and responses. I am hoping you can give me some encouraging words.
Recently, I was in a serious relationship (or so I believed/still believed) with a man since November. Long story, short he was a great guy and really treated me how I wanted. Right before the holidays his financial situation caused him to land on some hard times. I emotionally (not financially) supported him during this time. Once after the New Year he told me he was having some suicidal thoughts, but luckily did not follow through.
Fast forwarding, his job allowed him to travel across the country to make more money. I agreed to try long distance as he claimed he would be able to take time off once a month. A few weeks ago, he yelled at me for not telling him I had dinner with friends (both male and gay). I did tell him indeed. At the end of the conversation I tried to say ‘I love you’ and he brushed it to the side and hung up. I decided to take 2 days off and not speak to him to clear my mind, as there have been some instances where he has thrown these tantrums.
When I tried to call him he didn’t answer and a few days later I noticed he deleted some of his social apps and decided to block me. I called him one final time to try and resolve the issues, and after no response sent a text message saying I still love him and that I respect his wishes, wish him the best etc.
I am sorry for the long message, but this was my first real relationship and I guess I am looking for some type of closure from him. I feel like just dropping off out of nowhere with no explanation is just so disrespectful and he basically just smashed my heart. I’m not sure if his ‘on the road’ job has tempted him to interact with men he meets, if he just wants freedom or if there may be some underlying mental health issues.
I have come to the realization that I will not get to the bottom of what happened, so how do I move on and not feel like every man I meet in the future (in a serious capacity) won’t hurt me like he has? Do you have any suggestions on how to move on? Side note: I invested so much time and energy into this man and I was very faithful to him.
Thank you so much for any light or advice. Much love.
-Struggling Hopeless Romantic
You’ve been my unbiased “go-to” for quite some time. And this newest solicitation for advice won’t be any different. Let me jump right in, as this might turn lengthy.
I have been dating this guy for approximately 3 months, however it seems as if we have known each other much longer. The chemistry, conversation, and connection are purely organic. We talk for hours on hours (about relevant things). He’s just all around nice guy. I’ll refer to him as may’bae (potential future bae) going forward.
May’bae has this friend that he has known for quite a while. The both of them are from the same area and relocated to the immediate area, went to college together, been roommates, and May’bae has taken care of this friend when he was down (after surgery/etc). After close observations (from conversations), I started feeling like the friend was more than a friend or that something had possibly existed between them in years past. When I inquired he assured me that it was nothing more than a friendship. I took it for face value, but I still had a very weird feeling about the connection. I met this friend while I visiting May’bae and the friend was very short and stand-offish with me. When I asked May’bae about it he said, “Oh that’s just how he is with everybody…”
Fast forward… we have been spending a lot of time together as you do when you’re getting to know someone and this friend apparently feels some type of way about it. He popped up at May’bae’s place and confronted him about who he’d been spending his time with and asked was it me. Once confirmed, this sent his friend into a fiery rage. He started making comments like “I thought you and I were going to be together, What does he have that I don’t have?….etc”
He pushes May’bae and a physical altercation ensued.
May’bae calls me crying because he has had a fight with who he thought was simply a friend that he had been helping out/held bake sessions with and just cool with. So anyway, it confirmed my assumptions that the friend indeed had feelings for him.
Being that this is really fresh, I don’t want to automatically penalize May’bae for just being there for a friend (who apparently had secret feelings for him). I don’t believe it’s his fault. The friend has since apologized for “acting out of character” and that May’bae has been a shoulder for him and most recently since he hasn’t been coming around he feels alone and wants to reconcile. I’m struggling with this idea because it sounds like he’s just trying to pull May’bae back into his life.
Perhaps once they sit down and talk he can let him know what it is and what it isn’t. I liken this entire scenario to dating someone who is still close to an ex (knowing that the ex still has feelings for them). I truly believe he doesn’t feel the same, but it’s my uncomfortable level of knowing that he’s still will be around someone who is actually in love with him. Lastly, I don’t want to put him in a predicament to choose between me and his long time friend (who’s now not so “secretly” in love with him after all the tea was spilled). Could this be a red flag for me or am I digging a little too deep with this?
May’bae who is now Trash, confessed that he and this friend had been in a relationship for the past 3 years! This would explain why this “friend” was so passionate. So he basically sold me an entire lie and I bought it. Sadly, my feelings are really hurt, because we talked about the future and etc. He was a great guy beyond the lies and drama. Things certainly happen for a reason.
I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted. I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward. However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me. It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.
-urgh it’s complicated.
Given that Cuffing Season has again swung into full effect, I feel obligated to issue a public warning. I feel compelled to cautioned readers against falling into the “Trap of the Ex.” Usually during Cuffing Season, exes have a way of popping up out of the blue like clockwork. It’s as if a sensor goes off alerting them that it’s that special time of year and their former bae is single. Heck, if I’m honest, the ex may not know or care if the former bae is single, and still feel compelled to reach out in some way. If none of this sounds familiar to you yet, allow me to make it a little more personal for you.
I could use some of your help when you got a minute. I like dating older men. When I say older, I mean like dudes 15 or 20 years older than me in their 40s usually. Something about that salt and pepper in the beard, maturity, and dad muscles really just do it for me. So I’ve been dating this one man for about three weeks now. He’s mad cool, and I could actually see this going somewhere. Then I find out that he actually dated my one aunt back when they were in high school. Like they legit went out together. I may be bugging, but once I found that out I put him on pause. I haven’t answered his calls or messages. I just can’t date someone that’s gone out with a relative. Especially my aunt. I love that lady like a second mother. But I really did like they guy. What would you do if you were me?
-Mr. Unwanted Triangle
In one of those moments when my friends and I are were talking about any and everything, we began discussing relationships and closure. We all agreed that should things go left in a relationship, and boos becomes exes, each person is entitled to closure. Each person deserves to know why and how things went left, if there is opportunity to reconcile, and certainty that remaining apart is the best option for both of them. However, not everyone will get closure when a relationship ends, and this brings me to the point of disagreement between my friends and myself.