I’ve been talking to this dude I’ll call JL for about four months, and things were cool. He said he wanted to take things slow, and I didn’t mind. Since he said he wanted to take things slow, I started talking to another guy. Well recently I was hanging with JL and he noticed I got a few text messages from the other guy. I think he thought it was a friend at first, but then when he got up, I was replying to a message and JL snuck up behind me and read a message or two. Then JL kind of bugged out that I was talking to another guy.
I tried to tell him he’s the one that said he wanted to take things slow, and he flipped it around on me because I’m talking to someone else. My thing is this, unless we are in a relationship, I’ve done nothing wrong. I really like JL, but if he wanted to be slow about getting into a relationship, why shouldn’t I explore my options in the meantime? JL and I haven’t stopped talking, but he’s definitely feeling a way still. What do you suggest in my case?
-Single But Not Cuffed
I really appreciate your site and the advice you give. The community needs your advice, and I need your advice right now. My issue has to deal with chasing. I’m single and honestly I’m tired of chasing guys. It’s the same thing too. I meet a guy on a dating app or social media, show him some interest, he appears to return the interest, and then I spend like a month chasing him for me not to end up in a relationship. The shit is getting old.
Do you know how frustrating it is to think you’re talking to a guy trying to build something only for nothing to happen? I mean some of the guys I chase, I don’t even get to the point where we go on a dates. And while being single has its advantages, I’m trying to get boo’d the hell up. I know you have to pursue what you want in life, but I want to be pursued. I want people to call me, or hit me with a good morning and good night text. What advice do you have for me so I can date different in 2019?
Tryna Glow Up
I’ve peeped a few of your posts and I love your advice. Your words really do be hitting. Hopefully, your words will hit on something today. I find myself stuck in this situation with this guy who I met through IG six weeks ago. So initially, I came across his profile through another IG friend who liked his post. After I went to the guy’s page, I thought he was fine AF, and we seemed to have things in common. Naturally, I started to follow him, and then he followed me. He even did the thing where he went through my profile and liked a bunch of my posts. I took that as a sign to shoot my shot, and did. We started flirting back and forth through DMs, then moved our convos to phone.
Once we exchanged numbers, we would text throughout the day and even talk on the phone at night every now and then. I forgot to mention, he lives in Houston and I live in Atlanta. That’s important, because last weekend I was in Houston to meet up with friends and didn’t even see him. We had planned to meet up and he knew I was coming, but as soon as I got to Houston all of a sudden he was too busy to see me. He claimed he was swamped with a project at work. I think that is bs because I feel he could at least met up with me for an hour.
Long story short, since I’ve been back in ATL we don’t really communicate like we were. He tried to text me this week to apologize, but honestly I was still in my feelings and didn’t want to hear it so I’ve been distant. I’m frustrated because I still like the guy but don’t like feeling I’ve been played. What do you suggest here?
Confused Dater 92
I’m writing to get some honest insight about casual relationships, dating, and why it seems to be difficult to get any kind of attention even with the right credentials, pedigree, personality, and the like. In more simplistic terms is it: Is it me? Or is it the dating environment that I am in?
To provide some context, I’m in my mid-20s, highly educated, am kind and attentive, funny, and love to have fun with others. However, I have found that having these redeeming traits seems not to matter much when it comes to talking with many men. I came to this observation by living in Washington D.C., and currently living in Atlanta.
When I was living in Washington D.C., I had a friend that conveyed something in a conversation that still appears to hold true. He told me that when dating other men, or even trying to casually engage on a sexual level, they don’t care about how kind I am or what type of credentials I have. They also upon first glance, don’t care about what you bring to the table. Or to put if the way he put it, “a degree won’t make you dateable.” Ultimately, he said that “what really matters is the body, how masculine you present, and how you put yourself together.”
In the few years since that conversation (and our friendship ending), I tried dating and seeking casual encounters not listening to the commentary. However, I have only been able to date successfully one time. As far as casual encounters go, nothing has materialized from the usual culprits of Jack’d and Grindr, or in-person meetings. Jack’d and Grindr are sources of frustration, purely because of the personalities I seem to encounter. Plus being stood-up seems to be a common thing for me (it’s so common that I know to order a drink within 15 minutes and go on my merry way by 30). In-person meetings, when they happen, seem to be very one-sided and often times, most men are disinterested. I demonstrate my interest, yet I never get their number or hear from them again.
It’s jarring, because I’m young, I want to have fun, and I want to be able to enjoy men and their essence. Yet, the well has been dry for a few years. I also have been told by female friends that I’m by no stretch “ugly.” But, I’m starting to believe what that “friend” told me some years ago. Living in Atlanta, the Mecca of gay black men, I have been incapable of finding any sexual partners or romantic interests, period. Disclosing this to one of my friends, he said: “wait, what… how?”
Could be possible that because I’m not in the best shape (I’m team thick), not masculine (I’m more of in the middle), and have an eccentric style, no man wants no parts of me? If that is the case, would it make sense if I (or “masc it up”) and get into model shape to start making myself more appealing? Am I bugging?
Once again, I’d appreciate your honest evaluation of this.
Quarter Life Drought
I met a guy on Jack’d, out of all places, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well with our exchange of non-sexual, cool-natured, and friendly messages on there. Over a span of a couple of days, our vibe was so great, that it led to us exchanging phone numbers where our conversations continued from there on. This guy had my nose wide open! He’s a good catch, good credentials, smart, funny, good heart, handsome – All the aspects most want in a guy. Interested in seeing one another, we decided to meet up in person. I suggested we’d meet up at a billiard because in my mind, it’d be a place where we can have fun, and feel each other out without the temptation of easily being lured to sex.
We agreed to meet at a reservation, overlooking the city instead, his idea, and a great one because I feel it’s an intimate and romantic “first date” so to speak. When we met, we were both giddy, obviously feeling each other and both rather shy. Our talk led to us kissing passionately and, perhaps against my better judgement, led to us getting a little frisky. All in all, it was a great night and we continued to keep in touch daily. We made plans to meet up for a second time, got stood up.
I reached out to him the next day, though he should’ve reached out to me, and he apologized with the excuse that he had taken a nap and slept through his alarm. I gave him the benefit of doubt and forgave him. He made up for standing me up by keeping his word to meet me at my place a week later. When he arrived at my place, it was the same scenario: we talked, kissed, and got a little freaky. A part of me felt like I shouldn’t have let it gone to the point of getting sexual, but my hormones were raging, and his presence and his kiss had me weak. Dammit!
And so after that event, we still continued to call/text daily, it’s about 3 weeks since we first communicated on Jack’d at this point. I thought about him e-ve-ry day! I couldn’t believe within a short time, I had an immense deep like for this man. I knew he had a Facebook, though he didn’t tell me, because I did my little research on him around the time we first started talking, as did he with me because he admitted it. So, I figured since we have chemistry and as far as I was concerned, we were cool, it wouldn’t be creepy, off-putting, or weird to send him a friend request. So I sent him one thinking at some point, he’ll see it and accept it.
In one of our daily text conversations, we brought up wanting to see each other again. He suggested that I’d meet him at his place for what would have been our 3rd time seeing each other. Of course I was thrilled about that so I sent him an affirmative response. But, when I asked for his address, he never responded back. I sent that text asking for his address on Monday, May 14th. Here we are Monday, May 21st and I still haven’t heard from him.
I suffer from the once bitten, twice shy effect to where it’s hard for me to connect with a guy in general because of my nervousness and insecurities of having been rejected time and time again. So you can imagine, since I’ve connected with this guy, I’m in shell shock, so to speak, from his sudden disappearance. I checked his Facebook profile to see if my friend request to him was still pending, not only did he not accept it, it appears as though he set it up to where I can no longer send a request. I’m a 32 years old and have never been in a relationship. My question to you is: from everything that I have explained, did I go wrong somewhere? Was there anything I did or didn’t do to warrant his abrupt cut off of communication with me?
I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted. I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward. However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me. It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.
-urgh it’s complicated.
Please help a brother out! I have a huge dilemma. I’m Black, Bisexual, Christian, and Undetectable…..need I say more? It has become extremely difficult to have a lasting relationship with either gender. I have been cut short because of my race, my beliefs, my sexuality, and/or my status. I am at a point where I’m ready (been ready) to settle down, build a life with my partner, and start a family. What to do?
Yes you read the title correctly. Today’s topic of discussion is about a relatively common occurrence in this day and age of dating. While you may not be familiar with the specific term “text-fishing”, if you’ve been single and looking anytime in the last 10 years or so, you more than likely have been a victim of this scam. I for one have.
Out the gate, let me warn you all that this is one of those posts not meant to necessarily make you laugh or feel good. Instead, I hope the writing here makes folks do some self-evaluation. While leaders across the globe have made playing the blame game popular, I find the game immature and rarely helpful when it comes to matters of the heart.
Happy Friday Eve folks. I hope today is full of positive vibes for all as we are one day closer to the weekend. I thought I’d take the opportunity today to revive something I haven’t done in a while. And that’s Intimate Conversations with Tavion. I haven’t given you all a campfire story in a month of Sundays, so you all are long overdue. My story for this Thursday is in regards to why I don’t believe your first date with a guy should include his friends.