I Don’t Want to Break Up but Our Sex Life Is in the Trash

our sex life

Dear T,

How do you tell your boyfriend that he no longer satisfies you sexually without him getting mad and breaking up with you? That’s pretty much my problem. I’ve tried introducing toys, instructing him to try new positions, proposed a threesome which he turned down, and tried new places. He just doesn’t do it for me sexually like that anymore and that sucks because I love him. He’s an amazing boyfriend and treats me like a king, so I don’t want to break up with him. But I don’t want to be in a situation like this. I’m only 27, and sex is still important. Help.

-Life to Live

Dear Life to Live,

Thanks for writing to me. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you’ve been pretty proactive in trying to resolve your issue in the bedroom. You tried new positions, places, and props, and nothing has reignited that passion you’re missing. Heck, you even proposed a threesome. And while I commend you for putting so much effort into saving your relationship, I’m left wondering what your boyfriend has done to help fix the problem?

In the words of Rob Base, “It takes two to make a thing go right.” If you feel you and your boyfriend aren’t sexually clicking anymore, I find it odd that he wouldn’t feel the disconnect too. That he wouldn’t sense things are different between you two and make his own suggestions to try and make them better. Now he could have expressed his concerns with you and you just didn’t mention that in your letter. However, if that’s not the case, you may want to ask why he’s not been paying attention to what’s going on, and why he doesn’t seem so eager to get your relationship back on track?

If your man is indeed too distracted to notice the lack of passion in your relationship, there are a number of things that could be going on. He could be dealing with some issues with work, with his family, or with his health that has his energy too preoccupied to prioritize sex. If that’s the case, all your bedroom suggestions won’t be the key to unlocking your sex life. The key may be your boyfriend talking to a professional and coming clean to you.

Suggestions going forward

  1. Repairing the problems in your relationship can’t be squarely on your shoulders. Have a face-to-face conversation with your boyfriend and see how he feels about your sex life, and what he’s willing to do to resolve the issues. Now if he doesn’t think there are any issues, then you need to tell him very clearly why you aren’t satisfied so he gets there is a sense of urgency here.


  1. Also, during the conversation with your man, see if something else is going on with him that is spilling into your relationship. Press him to be honest.


  1. Lastly, consider how high of a priority sex is for you in a relationship. If it’s something that is very important to you and the situation doesn’t get better soon, you may want to consider you and your boyfriend are just meant to be friends going forward.


As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot, Twitter: _accordingtot_ )

And hey folks! Make sure you check out the all-new season of Majoring in Me the Podcast. It’s still a scripted show about a Black boy in college trying to awkwardly navigate his way through adulthood.


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