My relationship is about to be over if my boyfriend doesn’t stop being a selfish a$$hole. Here’s what happened. He got offered a promotion at work that would take him to Austin, Texas, but we currently live in Charlotte. I have my own spot and he has his, but we’re both here. He’s all excited about the job and accepted the offer, without really thinking about my thoughts on it. I don’t want to move to Austin, and he knows that. To top it off, he claims to love me but says if I love him that I’d consider moving to Texas because I know he doesn’t like long-distance relationships. That statement right there really pissed me off, and we got into a blow up. I do love him, but I don’t like feeling I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do. I feel like he’s forgetting I have a life outside of him. What do you think T?
Dear Static 94,
Thanks for writing to me. I noticed you didn’t state how long you and your boyfriend have been together. I bring up that point because the length of your relationship could be playing a role in why your boyfriend appears to be laser-focused on his move to Austin without considering how you really feel. No disrespect, but because it appears your boo is treating you like more of a “tag-along” and less of a “partner” in his future plans, I assume you two haven’t been together that long. And if I’m right, I can understand to a degree why he’s prioritizing his career goals over your relationship.
American author H. Jackson Brown Jr. once said:
Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity.
For your boyfriend, he may be looking at this relocation to Austin as an opportunity to change the trajectory of his career. As a step he has to take because he’s not sure he’ll get the chance to do so again with his current company. If the promotion is something he wants and feels is a part of his plans and dreams, I can’t blame him for “getting his” out of life.
Now what I can blame your boyfriend for is the delivery of his promotion news, wrapped in a selfish ultimatum. Telling you he’s moving to Austin, and then claiming you’d move too if you love him because he doesn’t do long-distance relationships, is a bit manipulative. He’s putting the fate of your relationship in your hands and your hands only. That’s not fair. And considering he’s the one making the move that would actually create the distance between you two, he sounds a bit hypocritical. Not to mention, he’s completely disregarding your career and your community of people in Charlotte if he just expects you to drop everything and follow him because you “love him.”
Look, if you’re familiar with my site, then you know I don’t really make a habit of telling someone what to do. At the end of the day, that’s your call. But what I will say in your situation, is that good relationships require sacrifices and compromises. There will be times when partners must make sacrifices and compromise on certain issues for the sake of the other person and the overall bond. And these partners will do so out of love and respect for one another, not manipulation.
Lastly, I’ll leave you with this little nugget. I strongly believe that no partner in a relationship should ask the other person to make sacrifices they wouldn’t be willing to make if the roles were reversed.
Suggestions going forward
- Take a moment to think about whether Texas would really be a good move for you. I know you love your boyfriend; but, if his process in making up his mind about this move is causing issues for you two now, then think about how he may handle other potential situations in the future.
- Also, if you feel like moving to Austin will cause you to resent your boyfriend later, then you shouldn’t follow him there.
- Have a conversation with your boyfriend again about his issues with long-distance relationships. Through the conversation, you may be able to alleviate some of his fears about you two possibly being apart. This would also be a good time to inquire if your boyfriend would like you to move to Austin with no job and rely on him until you find one? You two don’t live together now, so what does he expect that to look like?
As always nothing but love,