I feel lied to and disgusted, and yet I’m still in love with my dumb ass boyfriend. We’ve been together for a little over a year and he’s told me about his two young kids. In fact, I’ve met the kids and they’re very sweet. The best part is the kids have the same mom, she’s remarried, and she and my boyfriend have a good coparenting relationship with no drama. I thought I hit the jackpot for a straight man over 35, but then he hit me with some news.
He tells me that he has a teenage son too. I’m mad because I don’t know why he’s kept this son a secret. He said him and the boy’s mom never got along, and the boy lives on the other side of the country, so he hasn’t seen him in years. When I asked why he’s just telling me now about his other son, he said it’s because the son’s mother is suing him for back child support.
I don’t know what to do. I’m a ride or die type of person, but I can’t stand a liar. But I also love his ass still. Should I try to make this relationship work?
-Miss Truly Blown
Dear Miss Truly Blown,
Thanks for writing to me. Let me start off this response by saying this. Unless a parent is in jail, a grave, or caught in extremely rare and difficult circumstances, I don’t believe there is ever a time when a parent should go MIA in a child’s life years at a time. As a child that grew up with an absentee father, call me a bit biased on the topic, but that’s how I feel. So while you may not have been looking at him sideways for not being in his teenage son’s life, you may want to at the very least raise an eyebrow.
As far as your boyfriend lying to you goes, that’s never a fun thing to have to deal with in a relationship. Trust is an important cornerstone for a healthy relationship, and for most people, once a lie is told the trust is broken. Now whether that can be repaired in your case is up to you and your boyfriend. You’d have to be willing to forgive him and put in the work to be able to take him at his word again. On the other hand, your boyfriend must be willing to give you time to reach a place of forgiveness and make a commitment to be honest regardless of the possible repercussions.
Look, I know I’m one of the first people to argue that a person’s past is none of your business when dating. However, I always make this argument with a few exceptions, and a long-lost child is definitely one of those exceptions. Your boyfriend should have told you about a teenage son before now; especially, if you two are talking about marriage. And he should have felt the need to tell you about the kid without being prompted by this threat to his pockets hanging over him. If you decide to work things out with him, you’ll want to get to the bottom of why he felt he couldn’t tell you about a third child.
With all that said, the question you asked is “Should I try to make this relationship work?” Unfortunately, I can’t answer that for you, nor do I want to. Only you know what your breaking point is. What I can tell you, is to take time and space to figure out what you want and what you’re willing to work through in terms of relationship baggage.
Suggestions going forward
- Take some time away from your boyfriend to think. You’re entitled to it.
- Before you take that time, make sure you ask him why he felt the need to lie in the first place. The answer should provide you a little insight as to whether he’s willing to hide difficult things from you in the future.
As always nothing but love,