Well how do I start? I am 18 years and I am dating a bisexual guy. We have been together for a year now and he is the best boyfriend I ever had. He let me know about his sexuality before we started dating. The more I got to learn about him the more I liked him and I accepted him since the beginning. We rarely touch on the subject about his past with other guys. And we’ve had a beautiful relationship full of love and adoration.
Recently he posted a picture online captioning it about pride month and basically speaking out about him being bisexual. I’ve always supported him and like I said accepted because I always thought that if he’s with me that’s all that matters right. But when I saw his post my heart sank. I couldn’t swallow what he had done and my mind went swarming with insecurity.
I cried that night asking myself I am going to be enough for him if he’s claiming he’s into men online. Let me be clear and say I’m not saying I am against Pride month but I don’t think it was respectful of him to say he’s into men when he is with me who has never given him a reason to claim I have cheated or been interested in another person or persons.
I thought to myself, Am I going not satisfy him later on if we continue together?? Does he want to experiment more with men??? By doing this, does he want to make himself available to get guys’ attention. I did accept him and I love him but I didn’t expect emotional pain from this. His girlfriend accepted him and I’m not saying okay he’s dating me he’s going to forget about guys but I just think that I am not capable of being the right person for him and dealing with emotional pain like right now for the long run.
Of course who would anyone not say they want their first partner to be their lifetime partner, of course I dream of getting married and hope we last but I am in tears writing you this hoping you can put some calm in my heart. I feel like I haven’t been able to share this with him because I don’t want to offend him or make him think I want him to hide who he really is. I have been keeping my mouth shut pretending everything is fine when it’s not. I have been emotionally hurting because I know I can’t satisfy my boyfriend in ways a man can.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t know what to do. I’m not looking for one answer, I’m just hoping you could read my message. He has no idea I’ve been crying about this he has no idea the meltdown I had when I saw his post he has no idea of the fear I have of losing him.
Thanks for writing to me. Your letter left me with a lot to unpack here, so I’ll go ahead and jump right into my response. First, let’s talk about bisexuality.
For most people that claim to be bisexual, they do so because they are genuinely attracted to both men and women. These individuals aren’t confused in their sexuality, they aren’t indecisive, and they most certainly aren’t trapped in a “phase” they must get out of their system. I say all that to you because I don’t want you thinking you’re somehow your boyfriend’s “beard” until he admits he’s just gay. That he really just wants to be with a man deep down inside. Given the fact he was upfront with you about his sexuality prior to you two getting into a relationship, that leads me to believe he is truthful and secure about his bisexuality, and respects you enough to be honest.
Speaking of his security in his sexuality, let that man celebrate Pride. It’s part of who he is. A part that it sounds like you’ve been trying to overlook. To be clear, I’m not trying to say you’re homophobic or anything like that. What I am saying, is because you stated “I accepted him since the beginning,” and that you two “rarely touch on the subject about his past with other guys,” it seems to me that you looked at your boyfriend’s sexuality as something you had to overlook to be with him. But because him being bisexual is such a big part of who he is, that’s not something you can just gloss over.
And I’m not judging you. No matter how many people profess to be “woke” and “celebratory of diversity,” there are a lot of women, and men, who find it hard to date bisexuals. Like you, these people are insecure that a bisexual individual is somehow more prone to cheating or becoming bored. That there will be a day when someone bisexual will be with a man or woman and then decide they want something that only the opposite sex can offer. But this insecurity is built on a myth.
Here’s the thing. There are plenty of heterosexual men who have been in relationships with women, and they still cheat with other women or leave their girlfriend for another woman. And sexuality isn’t even a factor under those circumstances. So yes, you’re not equipped with certain aspects of a man. But that doesn’t mean your boyfriend is ready to leave you or will grow tired of you. Don’t place that assumption on him, especially when he’s done nothing to give you that impression.
Suggestions going forward.
- Just focus on what you know and what you’ve seen when it comes to your boyfriend. You know he’s in a relationship with you and loves you. And you’ve only seen evidence of a faithful boyfriend.
- If you and your boyfriend have open and honest communication, then share your insecurities with him. Don’t accuse him of anything. Just ask him to clarify his commitment to you.
As always nothing but love,