Me and my ex are rekindling things again and it felt great and things were going really well, but one of our mutual friends let slip that my ex (paddy) has slept with his best friend who is a girl, and they’re still best friends now. This supposedly happened pre me and he says they were very drunk and that he actually regrets most of what happened that night, however, I can’t help but feel physically sick every time I think about it and the fact that he’s always said his body count is lower than I now believe it to be. This has set me back a lot in how well things were going and he even admitted that him and her spoke about it the other day so he’s been thinking about it, I can’t help but panic that he’s been thinking about it all through our relationship and would rather it was her there than being with me, I’m talking about him tonight but I feel very hurt and don’t see a way through this right now, any advice would be appreciated greatly thank you!
Thanks for writing to me. I’m going to kick this response off with a rule I tend to believe in when it comes to dating. Normally, I stand by the belief that when you’re entering a relationship with a person, you aren’t entitled to know what happened in their romantic past. Unless that individual messed with someone in your inner circle, has contracted something that they can pass along to you sexually, is financially tied to an ex or conceived kids, or is in love with somebody else, another person’s past situationships and relationships are none of your business. Is it nice and perhaps even helpful to know the ins and outs of one’s relationship history and sexual experience? Sure. But on general principle, a person isn’t obligated to share that info.
Before you write off my rule as dumb, I’m going to tell you why I stick by it. When you start going too deep into a person’s romantic past, it’s natural to start making judgments about their baggage even if they’ve learn from mistakes and aren’t that person anymore. That’s not fair to that person or you, because if they aren’t the same person they were five or ten years ago, you’ll find yourself dating their past self and not who they are today. And relationships are hard enough without getting worked up about baggage that has nothing to do with you.
Now having said all that, I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s natural to feel caught off guard by news that your ex is frequently hanging around someone he’s been intimate with in the past. But based on what you shared with me, I don’t think you should write off the ex in this case. He slept with this woman before you. Furthermore, if he really wanted to be with his best friend, he more than likely wouldn’t be pursuing you again. Especially, if this girl is single. They slept together the one time out of convenience, horniness, and liquor, not a burning desire to be together.
Suggestions going forward
- If you need time to process your feelings and think about the bigger picture with your ex, then take it. Sometimes the answer to being together is time apart.
- As you consider your next steps, if you want clarity from the ex on whether he is romantically in love with his bff, feel free to ask him. After all, it was one of my exceptions to the rule. But again, I don’t get the sense that he is in love with her that way.
- Don’t get so caught up in his body count. Unless he slept with folks in your inner circle, let it go.
As always nothing but love,