The Lifestyle

He Wouldn’t Commit with Me but Now He’s Engaged to Someone Else

wouldn't commit

Tavion,

I’ve been upset for the last few days now and I don’t know how to get my happy back. I recently found out that a man I was entangled with for like two years is now engaged to a person he’s known for 6 months. It took him 6 months to know he wanted to marry somebody else, but whenever I had conversations with him about me and him being exclusive, he kept saying that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. That was complete bullsh*t. If that wasn’t bad enough, he didn’t even tell me he was engaged. I found out through a friend of a friend.

When I was venting with my best friend about all this, he told me I should just move on and leave it alone. Especially because when I did stop messing with him, it was because I wanted more than good d*ck. How do I just move on though? In case I didn’t make it clear, he’s only known guy for 6 months, and I only cut him off 5 months ago. Even typing that is making me even madder. I want to not only cuss him out, but also want to make his fiancé aware of the timeline here. Suggestions?

-Mr. Why Not Me

Dear Mr. Why Not Me,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear you currently find yourself in that “Why Not Me Paradox.” Okay, so I technically made up that term, but simply put, you’re in that space many folks find themselves in where they are questioning why a former lover or fling didn’t see them as wifey or hubby material? Why they weren’t the one that made a person commit and say “I do”? This isn’t the most comfortable headspace to be in, so I can sympathize with you being upset.

Now as far as you reaching out to this guy and chewing him out, I advise against it. While it may make you feel better temporarily, I have a hunch when some time goes by you’ll regret letting him see he had that much power over you. And to go even further, do not reach out to his fiancé and shine a light on the overlapping timeline.  That would be very messy, and I’d like to think you aren’t a messy person. Besides, say you tell the fiancé and it causes some tension in that relationship, it most certainly won’t drive your ex-entanglement back into your arms. Plus, you’d be lashing out at this fiancé, and he did absolutely nothing to you.

Look, I again sympathize with you being upset. This man kept telling you he wasn’t interested in commitment, but then turns around to not only be in a relationship, but engaged. You feel lied to, and he probably made you feel like you weren’t worthy to be a boyfriend. But here’s the thing, you are definitely worthy of commitment. However, you’ve got to be clear and upfront with your intentions going forward.

With this guy, it sounds like you both entered the situationship with the expressed intention of just hooking up, but then you caught feelings. While you expressed wanting more, he wanted to just focus on the sex. And until the moment you walked away, you allowed him to treat you as a hookup knowing you wanted to be a boyfriend. I bring this up because you have to take on some responsibility as to why this guy didn’t commit to you. You two didn’t start out on the relationship track, and he consistently told you he didn’t want to explore that level of deepness with you, but you kept seeing him. So yes, this guy told you a lie about not wanting to commit, but his actions made it clear where is head was at and you tried to change his mind.

Suggestions going forward

  1. Remember, you are worthy of being someone’s life partner. And not just anyone, the right one.

 

  1. If you know you’re seeking a relationship, then make your intentions known up front and don’t settle. Again, there are people seeking what you’re seeking, and will want it with you.

 

  1. Listen to your friend and move on. You won’t find peace wrecking what this man has going on in his life.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot, Twitter: _accordingtot_ )

By the way, make sure you check out Season 2 of Majoring in Me the Podcast. Tristan is still Black. Still gay. And adulting is still kicking his ass.

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