friendship

My Friend Is Dating a Guy in Jail and I’m not a Fan

dating guy in jail

T,

I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy. My best friend has been real secretive about who he’s been dating lately, so I thought it was weird. At first he was trying to act like he wasn’t talking to anybody, but I know my friend.  I know when he’s talking to a guy. Call me nosey or whatever, but I kept pressing him about it and he finally told me he’s dating a guy I’ll call Joe.

Then he started telling me he’s never met Joe but it’s been like four months. I thought maybe he was on some long-distance type of stuff, and my friend said it’s basically long distance. When I asked when he and Joe would meet up, my friend said it would be a few more months because Joe is currently locked up. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe he started dating a man while dude is locked up.

I want better for my friend. He’s never been in a good relationship or even talked to a good guy before. And I don’t think this guy is going to help him break his trend, and I don’t want my friend heartbroken. I told him to reconsider, but he won’t listen. He actually gets pissed if I bring him up. I know you may tell me to mind my business, but I want to protect my friend.

Thanks for your help,

The Concerned Bestie

Dear The Concerned Bestie,

Thanks for writing to me. It’s funny that you ended your letter by saying you know I may tell you to mind your business, because I’m starting my response off by telling you to mind your business. Look, you have to let grown folks be grown. If your friend is an adult and of legal age, who he dates is his business and his alone (as long as his love interest is grown as well).

With that said, I understand you wanting to help your friend avoid making a possible mistake. Heck, the fact you want him to win in love and life is a great thing, and is reflective of you as a good ride or die. But if you’ve already expressed your concern to him about his latest dating choice, then you’ve done your job. If you continue to press the issue and keep telling your friend he’s making a bad decision, you’ll more than likely just push him away.

On another note, while I don’t have experience dating someone that’s incarcerated, there is always the chance this guy your friend is seeing is a great person. He could be the love of your friend’s life. Did you think to ask more about this man? Outside of him being incarcerated, what do you really know about him?  You may be judging a book by his cover. Heck, this guy could be falsely imprisoned or locked up for some petty mistake he’s learned from. If your friend is certain he’s going to date this man, then instead of protesting it, try and get to know this guy (through your friend of course since he’s currently confined).

Suggestions going forward

  1. Since you’ve made it clear to your BFF how you feel, I recommend you don’t keep forcing your opinion down his throat. He gets it. In fact, make it clear to him that you just want what’s best for him, but you respect his ability to make his own decisions.
  2. In an effort to try and understand your friend’s attraction to this guy, ask your bestie what he likes about him. Learn why he is so attracted to the man. But be careful, because you don’t want to come off like you’re grilling him.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot, Twitter: _accordingtot_ )

By the way, make sure you check out Season 2 of Majoring in Me the Podcast. Tristan is still Black. Still gay. And adulting is still kicking his ass.

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