I’m tired of my judgmental ass friend. I mean I love how he’s protective of me, and has always been a ride or die, but for the past few months he has been making slick comments about my personal life. So about three months ago, my boyfriend and I decided to become a throuple with a great guy we both liked. The arrangement we have is really good, and I’m happy. You’d think my happiness is what my best friend would care about, but it’s not.
When I first told him about my situation, he told me it was a terrible idea. He said he couldn’t do it, and that it’s going to end badly with me single. I tried to explain to him that me and my boyfriends are good, but he believes this won’t work. I told him that I didn’t want to hear any more of that negative sh$t, and for a short while that worked. But then when I’d bring both boyfriends around him, he would be real shady to them. And when it’s just he and I, he asks messy questions like “who you like better?”, “who would you marry since you want a husband and legally can only have one?” Stuff like that.
I love my friend but what do I do about his judgment? It’s getting to the point where I thought about slapping his a$$.
-Keep Your Judgement
Dear Keep Your Judgement,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear about your judgmental friend. It never feels good to have those that know us best criticize us for the choices we make. Especially, when these choices involve something so personal as matters of the heart. So, I understand your frustration.
I’m going to share with you one of my mottos in life. I say it multiple times a week and stand behind it.
You have to let grown folks be grown.
This is an expression I’ve come to use frequently to help remind folks that they aren’t responsible for adults making adult decisions. Look, I can feel strongly against someone I know making a certain life choice, but it’s not my place to beat them down with my opinion until they think what I think and do what I want them to do. Once I express my initial concerns from a place of love, then I’ve done my job as a friend or family member. At the end of the day, I have to back off and allow a person to make their own decision, because good or bad, they are the one that will have to live with the consequences. Now I know you’re not the one having an issue letting grown folks be grown, but it was worth me mentioning.
So what do you do here? It’s time you have another sit down with your friend and tell him that the more he judges and shades you about your throuple, the more he’s destroying your friendship. Remind him that you’re grown and you’re doing what works for you, even if it doesn’t work for him. Also, tell him that if he’s concerned about preserving the idea of traditional relationships, he should focus on his own. And lastly, share with him your love for him, but demand he respect you and mind his business.
Suggestions going forward
- I pretty much said everything I wanted to say above. So again, just have another chat with your friend and emphasize that it’s important he respects your boundaries.
As always nothing but love,