I’m a long time fan and I need some advice. A relationship with a friend of mine that I love so much is damned near dead. I call this man my brother. Two years ago we used to live together and there was this guy that he was “dealing” with. Unbeknown to me I was messaging my friend’s “guy” on a dating app. I didn’t know him, he didn’t know me. This guy, nor myself, had no picture shown; I had only seen a d!<% pic of him in private messages, and my location was blurred at that time on the app so I never knew when he would be in the house.
On top of that my friend and I would make sure we never saw who the other was dealing with in the house by making sure we stayed in our rooms when company was entering and leaving the home. I did not know until the “guy” asked me did I live on a certain street on the app. Initially I thought to myself “who is this n!&&@ tryna play me”. But then I thought about it and thought that this may be my friend’s “guy”. Absentmindedly, I messaged the “guy” saying that I do live where he asked and that I thought he may have just chilled with my roommate. As soon as I sent the message I blocked him in an attempt for the “guy” to not get that message. I felt that if I was going to ask that question it should be to my friend and not to a person he may or may not have been dealing with.
I then went to my roommate/friend and asked him if the guy I had been talking to was the man he was dealing with. He said yes. My former roommate and I then came up with a game plan for us not to run into the same men online and we moved forward, or so I thought. About a week later my friend texts me and states that he got a different story about how everything happened and that him and I “had problems now”. I was confused. I later found out that the message I had attempted to block from being sent did in fact go through and that the “guy” responded. My friend/roommate was livid with me. I tried explaining what happened but he never believed me. The situation was so bad that I ended up moving out earlier than anticipated because of the tension in the house.
Well…eventually we got through it. We started hanging out again but my friend now has a boundary and perception of me that I believe is unfair. He will not allow me to be in the company of any of his friends or family members because he believes that I have the capability of sleeping with his love interests or causing unnecessary drama within his circle. He has stated that there were certain points in this “guy’s” and mine interaction that should have been cut off sooner being his friend. I think it’s f#< up because I never have or would sleep with a friend’s love interest. I also think this isn’t right because I was speaking to a nameless, faceless profile. Again, I never knew who this person was until they approached me about my location. I feel like I’m being judged off of a situation that anybody gay living with another gay person could have slipped into due to technology and not having boundaries around it.
My question is this: how do I continue a friendship with someone having these perceptions of me? Should I just go? I really don’t want to leave this friend behind but it’s difficult knowing that someone you call a friend, a brother, believes that you are a slut who is capable of betrayal. Please help.
– The Friend He Thinks Is a Slut
Dear The Friend He Thinks Is a Slut,
Thanks for writing to me. Before I get into my advice, allow me to thank you for being a fan of my site. Folks like you who continue to check out According to T push me to keep this site up and running. So again, thank you.
Now as far as my advice for this situation, I have to say, I’m a bit confused as to why your friend initially got so upset. You and your friend were living in the same neighborhood and apparently have similar tastes in men. Knowing those facts, plus the reality that the single gay population in any given area isn’t always as large as we like to think it is, dating overlap was likely to happen between you and your former roommate. When you realized the guy you were talking to was the guy he was talking to as well, you went to him directly to have a conversation. Sounds like a good friend to me.
I also don’t find anything wrong with the message that you sent to this guy. You were trying to confirm if he was who you thought he was on the app. Heck, you even went as far as to block the guy for the sake of your friendship. Unless this guy tried to say you continued to pursue him knowing he was dating your friend, I have no idea why your former roommate was ever upset with you or is still holding a grudge.
Look, it sounds like your buddy obviously doesn’t trust you and is keeping you at arm’s length. In fact, he’s pulled a Wendy Williams and made you one of those “over there” people. And while it may hurt, he may be doing you a favor.
Do you really want to try and salvage a friendship with a person who would think so little of you on the word of a guy he’s only known for a few weeks? Sometimes as humans, we try to hold onto friendships that we’ve outgrown because of loyalty. Not that the other person is necessarily loyal to us, but we continue to pledge loyalty to them because we’ve exposed ourselves. We’ve told them secrets and shown them sides of ourselves that few people get to know, and we believe that information has bought their loyalty. Unfortunately, that’s not always true, and it’s up to you to determine when you’re not getting what you’re putting out.
Suggestions going forward
- While it may hurt, moving on from this friend may not be a bad idea if you’re the only one trying to salvage a real friendship.
- And although loyalty in any relationship is important, make sure the loyalty is mutual and you’re receiving it as much as you give.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is almost here, and some MAJOR drama is coming!