I feel low. My sister has this friend who I’ll call Ari for the sake of this letter. The weekend before Thanksgiving we all went to another friend’s Friendsgiving, and that’s where I met Ari’s new boyfriend. I’ll admit that when I first saw him, I thought he was fine fine. But because he’s Ari man and I thought he was “straight” I just let it go. Unfortunately, the liquor kept flowing that night and this guy kept flirting with me on the low, and I’ll admit I kept flirting with him. Nothing happened that night.
A week after Friendsgiving, I get a new friend and DM on Instagram. This guy sent me the one message telling me it was nice to meet me and that I should add him on Snapchat. Snapchat is where it popped off. The messages we exchanged got flirty again, and that’s when we started sending pics back and forth. Once I saw the meat, I knew I was going to forget about Ari, and that’s what happened. We agreed he’d come over and we had sex. It was good too. At least that’s what I thought.
Since that night we hooked up, I haven’t heard from him. He hasn’t responded to my messages on Snapchat, and the message he sent on Instagram has been removed by him. He ghosted me. Not only do I feel a way about him disappearing on me, but I feel so damn guilty for sleeping with my sister’s friend’s man. Ari is cool, and even though she’s my sister’s bff, I’m friends with her too. I want to tell my sister about what happened and even Ari, because I feel they should know what kind of man this guy is. But I don’t know. What do you think?
Dear Friendsgiving Mess,
Thanks for writing to me. I can’t lie, you’ve found yourself in quite the predicament. Not only have you been ghosted by someone that appears to be DL, but this person is someone that’s dating an individual close in your orbit. Ari may be your sister’s bff, but you yourself said you consider her to be a friend. You’re also dealing with issues of loyalty here. However, you know all this already, so let’s get to my advice.
As far as you and this guy goes, it’s pretty clear to me he wasn’t interested in pursuing some great romance with you. From what you told me, you two kept your conversations to social media apps only, predominately Snapchat. And because Snapchat is a platform where direct messages disappear, this guy probably lured you there knowing he could flirt with you on the platform with less fear of getting caught up and exposed. He was doing his best to cover his tracks while trying to get what he wanted sexually from you. Even if he enjoyed what you two did, he again is probably DL. Ghosting you was more than likely going to happen.
Now to what I would argue is more important. This man is your sister’s friend’s boyfriend. I know you said he’s fine, but you should have left him as one of those “over there people” (yep, I referencing Wendy Williams). As soon as you two started flirting, you were headed into dangerous territory, which you knew, but were willing to take the risk. In fact, based on how you framed your letter, I’m left to wonder if the guy hadn’t ghosted you if you’d be this concerned about your friendship with Ari today (no shade). Anyway, since the deed is done, if you have hopes of rescuing a friendship with Ari based on truth, then it’s time you had a conversation with her.
And I won’t lie to you, it’s going to be extremely difficult. She’s going to be upset and may even question your motive for wanting to tell her what happened. Ari may think you are a “lover scorned” trying to get revenge. But telling her the truth with an apologetic heart is necessary. However, even with the truth out, there’s a chance she doesn’t want any kind of relationship with you moving forward.
In addition, you have the added task of protecting your sister’s friendship with Ari. It sounds like your sister is innocent in all of this, but may be collateral damage once everything comes to light. When talking to Ari, you have to make it clear that your sister doesn’t know about any of this and it’s not her fault.
Suggestions going forward
- Again, you owe your sister to do what you can to protect her friendship with Ari. So as much as possible, don’t drag your sister into the middle of this. Now if Ari mentions the situation to her, and your sister comes back to you with questions, feel free to share everything that happened. Also, explain to your sister at that point you were trying to keep her out of it as much as possible.
- Be prepared when your sister finds out what happen, because my gut tells me she won’t be happy with you either.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some MAJOR drama is coming!