My boyfriend and I have been best friends since we were 17. We basically grew up together. We didn’t start dating till I was 23 and he was 24. We had the best summer being together right away. Our relationship just made sense. We were so comfortable right away. I’m guessing because we have been friends for so long. We were in love and I knew he was it, like he was the one and he felt the same.
Now the last few years he had problems with pills and decided he wanted to go away and be fully sober, no drinking or anything, which I was all for and wanted to support. We decided to stay together because again he’s my best friend and I wanted to be there for him. Fast forward to now, he’s a year sober and we have some difficulties doing long-distance and for a few months, he was very distant with me. I was heartbroken. I went ahead and visited him, and we spent 2 weeks together and everything went back to normal. We are on very good terms and suppose to be moving in together in a few months.
Last week I busted him and found out he cheated on me with someone for 3 months (the time we were having problems). He told me everything, he was very apologetic and is begging for another chance. I do wanna say he stopped seeing her on his own before I even found out. I asked why, he said he just felt alone, she was just filling up space and she was just there. I don’t know if I should give him another chance.
I love him and we gave a lot of work in this relationship and I know he loves me. Also, he always says I’m the girl he wants to marry we had such big dreams and plans but now I feel very betrayed. I know he went through a lot in a year especially being away from his family and me as well while getting sober so I can see why something like this could happen, but I don’t know how to feel or if should give it another chance. I know he is sorry and for the last 5 months he is always FaceTiming, texting, and watching movies with me on FaceTime so he has been very different before I even found out about it. I’m just scared and not sure what to do or feel.
Thank you for writing to me. It’s not every day that someone is able to say they fell in love with their best friend. That Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union type of love serves as relationship goals for a lot of people. Unfortunately, as you’ve now found out, being in love with your bestie doesn’t save you from heartache.
I’m sorry to hear your boyfriend cheated on you. The feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal you’re currently experiencing is a lot to deal with I know. And no matter how upset you are with your boyfriend, your love hasn’t magically disappeared. So now you find yourself trying to determine whether you should forgive this man and attempt to move forward with him. Unfortunately, forgiving him and deciding on whether you stay in the relationship is a decision I cannot make for you.
What I can do however, is suggest you take some time to think. Think about what you need your boyfriend to say and do to help you reach a stage of forgiveness and peace. Think about what steps you two could take to heal your trust issues and help make sure you don’t repeat history should you stay together. And your boyfriend said he cheated because he felt lonely. You two should dig deeper into why he felt that way, and figure out why he didn’t feel he could communicate his loneliness.
Finally, let me leave you with this. Don’t allow anyone pressure you into staying with your boyfriend or leaving him. Despite what some say, there is nothing wrong with staying with a man after he cheated, as long as it’s not a habitual thing. (Although, cheating with another woman for three months is a very serious thing). Conversely, if you want to leave because you can’t see a way for you to trust him again, then that’s okay too. It’s just going to take some time for you to figure this out for yourself. Only you know when you’re ready to walk away from a relationship.
Suggestions going forward
- If you’re going to forgive him, then forgive him. Don’t move forward in this relationship if you’re going to weaponize his infidelity every time you two get into an argument.
- It sounds like you two have been continuing on in your relationship five months after you found out what happened. I wonder if your boyfriend thinks you two have moved past his indiscretion already. If he does think that, when you two talk about your feelings of mistrust, make sure he knows your feelings have been lingering for a while and haven’t come out of the blue.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some MAJOR drama is coming!