My boyfriend won’t have sex with me. We started dating back in July, and he still won’t let me top him. I knew he was celibate when we first started talking, but he said he was waiting until he got back into a relationship. I asked if he wanted to be official or whatever last week, and he still says he’s not ready for sex. Like what is a man to do? I have needs. We’ve talked about this, and my boyfriend said he still isn’t ready. I feel like he’s holding out for the hell of it. Advice needed.
-I Wants It
Dear I Wants It,
Thanks for writing to me. Well, I’ll start this reply by congratulating you on finding someone that you wanted to commit to in a relationship. I’m assuming you truly love him, and love is hard to find. So, your new coupledom is worth celebrating. However, and I don’t mean to sound shady when I say this, but I hope your motivation for making this guy your boyfriend was love and not lust. I hope you weren’t just blinded by the thought of getting some booty and entered into a relationship you aren’t quite ready for at the moment. Again, I’m not trying to shade you in the least bit, but I want to put that out there.
Now look, I most assuredly understand the urges and impulses you may have as a gay man. When you have a fine man in your life who makes your heart race, you sometimes can’t help but to think you want to pounce on them like a lion on a gazelle (LOL). With that said, I also highly respect a person saying “no, I’m not ready yet.” While I’ve had my fair share of urges, I’m usually the type not to go there sexually with a person until I’m ready. I can relate to your boyfriend. And I don’t attach a time frame as to when I’ll be ready, I just know when I know. My intuition tells me that’s the answer your boyfriend will have in terms of when he will be ready to have sex. He’ll know when he knows. If that’s the case, what are you to do? I’m glad you asked.
For starters, if not having sex with your boyfriend at the moment is that much of an issue for you right now, have a conversation with him and try to get a deeper understanding of why he wants to wait. He may have a very personal reason, and that reason may provide you with some insight and a dose of patience.
Also, while having this suggested conversation, without pressuring your boyfriend, find out what he is currently comfortable doing physically if not sex. There is something to be said for “spicy foreplay.” What “spicy foreplay” looks like is completely up to you and your man. But have a conversation about it.
Suggestions going forward.
- Under no circumstances should you pressure your boyfriend into sex. Not only is that incredibly unfair to him, but it won’t be as satisfying as you think it will be.
- When you have the conversation I suggested, do so face to face. Having that type of convo via text could lead to things getting lost in translation.
- And if you love your boyfriend, and he’s worth the wait, then be prepared to wait. In the words of a friend, “sex is something, but it ain’t everything.”
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some MAJOR drama is coming!