According to T,
I’m writing you about my problem, because my friends think I’m being an idiot. Hopefully you don’t think the same. The problem I’m having is I still love my ex. Quick backstory, we were only together for a little over a year, but toward the end of the relationship he started acting funny. I found out he was acting funny because his ex popped back up in his life and he realized he still had feelings for him. To be clear he didn’t cheat on me. He said he had feelings for both of us, but I wasn’t about to stick around while he was on the fence about who he wanted to be with, so I dipped.
Recently I ran into my ex at Starbucks, and he looked great. I mean, he was finer than I remember. Anyway, we talked for a little bit at Starbucks, then started texting later that night. He apologized for hurting me, and wishes he handled things between us differently. He says he and his ex weren’t meant to be and he’s completely over him, and he knew that shortly after we broke up. He didn’t call me because he thought I wouldn’t have answered the phone. And he’s right, because at that time I wouldn’t have answered the phone.
Now that some time has gone by, and we’ve cleared things up, I still feel drawn to him. I know he’s still feeling me, because he said he wants us to try again. My friends say I’d be an idiot to let him back in, but damn it I like him. What are your thoughts?
-Still Want Him
Dear Still Want Him,
Thanks for writing to me. Allow me to take time to highlight the fact that you aren’t an idiot. The thing about feelings from the heart, is that they are completely organic. They aren’t filtered by pride, past mistakes, or even “common sense.” Think about these feelings like raw milk. It’s never recommended a person drink unpasteurized milk because it can contain dangers like E.coli, Listeria, Salmonella. Similarly, it can be dangerous to just act based on your heart’s emotions. Your mind should “pasteurize” your feelings. Before you take my metaphor as a stop sign for any reconciliation plans with your ex, continue reading.
I typically don’t encourage folks reuniting with exes UNLESS some noticeable and real changes have occurred. Unless two people have grown and matured, and have taken steps to work on themselves to avoid repeating past mistakes, I don’t tend to think that’s a good use of anyone’s time. And while I completely understand an ex still looking fine and still being able to make the butterflies flutter, fine and butterflies aren’t necessarily the recipe for an amazing relationship.
In your case, you mentioned your ex’s feelings for his ex as the cause of your breakup. While I’m sure your friends have argued there was no excuse for your ex to have feelings for two people at the same time, I’d like to point out that at least he was honest. Yes, from a pride perspective, that was definitely an ouch moment. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone that is still in love with someone else. However, having just run into your ex, you understand that feelings don’t instantly go away because you break up with a person. Furthermore, your ex says he’s over his ex, so he presently isn’t torn between you and someone else.
Now not to throw another wrench into this situation, but I have to bring up the fact the only reason you’re writing me is because you two happen to run into each other. I know some may argue that it’s fate, which it could be. But, if he still loved you and wanted you back, why didn’t he just reach out to you? Why wasn’t he more proactive about his feelings? Just something to think about.
Suggestions going forward
- Have a conversation with this guy. Nothing wrong with talking. Get some answers to all the questions you have. Determine whether he’s changed and if he really is over ex and into you.
- If you want to take this guy back, it doesn’t make you an idiot. However, take things slow.
- If you just don’t think you can trust this guy with your heart, that’s okay too.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some drama is coming!