I love my boyfriend so damn much, but he keeps telling me white lies. I’ll give you an example. One of our mutual friends recently posted a pic of his gym progress on Instagram and my boyfriend liked it. When I was talking to my boyfriend about how good our friend looks, he tells me he didn’t see the picture. I couldn’t figure out why he told that lie.
To give you another example, 2 months ago through random conversation he told me that the car he drives is all paid off. Then a week ago I saw a deal for like a cute vacation and he told me he didn’t have the money for one right now because he had to pay his car note. White lies like this are driving me nuts.
It’s weird because I feel like he’s truthful with the big things, but I have no idea why he tells these white lies. When I confront him on these lies, he always has an excuse, or tells me I misunderstood him. What would you do in my shoes? Keep in mind, everything else in our relationship is really good.
-Just Want the Truth
Dear Just Want the Truth,
Thanks for writing to me. For most people in a relationship or seeking a relationship, lying is a huge red flag in a partner. It’s right up there with infidelity for most folks because lies, like infidelity, erodes the trust between two people. I have a strong hunch that’s happening in your case right now.
I know you said outside of the lying everything is good in your relationship, but not being able to trust the words coming out of your boyfriend’s mouth is a pretty big problem. His dishonesty will start to cause you to feel you can’t be vulnerable with him, anticipating that he’ll eventually hurt you. Plus, you’ll question if the man you love is the man he claims to be. Unfortunately, I can guarantee that will attack your happiness and peace in the long run. And amazing sex, great conversations, and every label you can think of can’t exactly fix that.
Look, I wish I could tell you why your boyfriend is telling you these white lies, and some are questionable to even be classified as “white lies,” but I can’t. Only he knows why he’s doing what he’s doing. However, the fact remains he’s lying and it’s taking a toll on your mental and your relationship.
There’s an expression that goes as followed:
A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth.
I know you said you feel as if he’s being “truthful with the big things,” but I wouldn’t share the same sentiment in your shoes. I tend to believe, if a person can’t be honest with the “small things,” then there’s a good chance they can’t be honest with the “big things.” I’m not trying to be a Negative Ned, but just trying to give you something to think about.
Suggestions going forward
- Take these white lies more seriously. Hold him accountable for them. Because at the end of the day, avoiding the issue or glossing over it, will do more harm than good.
- Have a face-to-face conversation with your boyfriend and lay your cards on the table. It’s possible you can get to the bottom of all the lying if you confront him and don’t back down. But if he does come clean, it will be up to you to determine if you believe him. And that will be quite the task. Also, be sure to tell him that you require complete honesty in a relationship, not convenient truths.
As always nothing but love,
Oh, and make sure you check out my new scripted show, Majoring in Me the Podcast.