Let me tell you what I’ve been going through lately. I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months. We met at the gym, and he actually approached me. I wasn’t really checking for a relationship or anything, so the fact that I let this guy sweep me up is surprising. So after some good dates and even better sex, we became official, but then the Corona hit. As soon as all the quarantine stuff started happening, I’ve seen him 2 times in a month. The phone calls weren’t as frequent either. Once he started pulling back, I thought maybe he was super cautious about catching corona, but then my gut was telling me something was up.
I did a little digging on Facebook, which I hadn’t done before, and found out my so-called boyfriend is married with a young kid. I was crushed. A week ago I sent him a text to call me, and when we spoke on the phone he went into this story that he is married, but him and his wife have an understanding that they can do whatever. They are only together for their son, and can do whatever with whoever outside the house. Because of everything that’s been going on, he has to spend more time at home. He said the only reason he didn’t tell me everything up front was because most people don’t understand his arrangement, and really likes me and didn’t want me to cancel him. However, what am I supposed to do with that? He’s not planning on divorcing his wife until his kid is grown, but wants to date me in the meantime. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.
– Quarantined and Hate It
Dear Quarantined and Hate it,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m not going to lie to you. What you wrote was a lot to digest. So instead of beating around the bush, let’s jump right into this advice.
Once upon a time, maybe nine years ago, I found myself in similar shoes. I was talking to this man for about a month, and then all of a sudden, he told me he was married. That didn’t sit well with me at all, as I have no desire to ever mess around with anyone’s husband. He tried to tell me that he and his wife had an arrangement to date other people because they were both bisexual, but preferred to be with the same-sex. While he and I vibed, I had to bail because I wasn’t dating for the sake of dating at the time, so I couldn’t see how he and I could proceed into a relationship when he was married. I tell you this story because if you’re like me, playing the role of the committed sidepiece isn’t ideal.
And moving past the fact he is married, let’s talk about the fact that he told you the truth after you caught him in a lie. Someone once said, “one lie is enough to make you question all the truths.” For some folks, when a person is deceitful, it is the ultimate sense of betrayal, and the breaking point for a situationship or relationship. Now I’m not saying his unwillingness to be honest should be your breaking point. I’ve said it time and time again, I can’t ever tell anyone when to walk away. However, I’m just giving you some more to think about.
On a final note, let me say this. I realize that relationships come in a variety of forms. There isn’t necessarily a one size fit all formula for relationships. But, one thing will always ring true. Spouse trumps sidepiece no matter the status of the marriage.
Suggestions going forward
- Again, I’m not telling you what to do in this situation, but I encourage you to think about what you really want, and not to settle.
As always nothing but love,