What does it mean when a guy tells you he likes you and wants to build something with you, but he then goes ghost. He’s ghosted me more than once. Long story short, this guy who I’ve been dating for about 3 months is so up and down. One week we’re talking every day with texts and calls, and the next week he may text me 4 times over 7 days. When I asked him what the deal was, he said work gets stressful sometimes, but he doesn’t mean to offend. Said he is working toward a relationship with me, but his disappearing act pisses me off. But he has time to like Ig photos, not that I’m stalking him. What should I do here?
Thanks for writing to me. While I’d love to tell you that this guy is in fact probably busy with work, and that him being so hot and cold with you isn’t intentional, my senses tell me that’s not what’s going on here. Unless he has a high-stress job where he’s constantly on the go and often away from his phone, I’d venture to say that his level of commitment to whatever you two are building is not what he claims. I’d be more inclined to cut this guy some slack if I knew he was always apologetic when he went missing in action, or gave you a heads up before he disappeared, but I didn’t get the sense that’s what happening from your letter.
Here’s the thing, anytime you’re building something with someone, you should always extend a grace period to the other person as you get to know each other. What I mean is, both of you should be slow to anger when issues about communication frequency, word choices, and the handling of conflicts arise. It takes time to know each other’s preferences, and time to reach compromises on these things. But it’s key there exists a willingness to compromise. It doesn’t sound like too much compromising is going on if you constantly still feel randomly ghosted by him.
Look, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in a position where I over compromised on how I needed to be treated in a “situationship” because a guy was telling me one thing, but his actions proved otherwise. I trusted his words and ignored what he was showing me. I finally had to wake up. No matter how much time I’ve invested in a situation, if I don’t sense reciprocity in feelings and effort, I have to walk away. Remember that.
Suggestions going forward
- Schedule a conversation with this guy and get to the bottom of your communication issues. If you get the sense he’s not being honest or that it’s more lip service to keep you hanging on, you need to ask if you want better.
- Keep in mind that some people’s schedule really does get hectic because of work. Heck, I’ve had my fair share of days. But, it takes like 15 secs to send a “hey it’s going to be a rough week,” or “sorry for the spotty communication.”
- I can’t tell anyone what to ultimately do, but remember, you deserve to have someone at least trying to match your energy. But only you know when you’ve had enough. If you think this guy is deserving of another chance because there are other factors at play you didn’t discuss in this letter, then that’s your prerogative.
As always nothing but love,