I need some advice. I’m in a fairly new relationship with this guy who I honestly do love, a lot. But I’m nervous about our sex life going forward. See I’m a top that doesn’t mind playing the other role in a committed relationship. The problem is, not only does my boyfriend not really enjoy the experience of bottoming, I don’t think he can satisfy me as a top.
It’s hard for me to be thrilled about actual sex knowing he doesn’t like bottoming, and it’s visible when we’re in the act. Our sex life isn’t a huge problem now, but I’m nervous it will be.
Wanting to Be Pleased
Dear Wanting to Be Pleased,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m just going to jump right in here. So while sex is an important factor for most in a relationship, I want to caution you from ranking that as the top priority. Good sex may satisfy a relationship for a good 20 minutes or so during the act, but there are 24 hours in a day. And during those other moments, you’ll want great conversation, laughter, comfort, and intimacy (which isn’t the same as sex). If your boyfriend is providing you with the other things, that’s amazing, because sex is one of those things that can be “developed “ with the right guidance and under the right circumstances.
You say your boyfriend doesn’t like to bottom. For some people, no matter what the situation is or who the top is, they will never enjoy that experience. They’ve tried and tried, but that’s just not their thing, and never will be. However, for others, it’s not about never having the capacity to enjoy bottoming, it’s more about not ever having the right person show you the enjoyment of doing it. Folks like these may just require the Midas touch of someone who is patient and willing to top them in a way that works for them. If your boyfriend is in the latter category, you won’t know until you two have a conversation.
Ask him what it is he doesn’t like about being topped. You may find out that people in the past haven’t “finessed” their way into the doorway if you know what I mean. Maybe, you need to do a little more finessing. Also, there are “products” your boyfriend could try to help prepare the doorway (look up something called Anal-Ease). Now, if there is a mental thing holding your boyfriend back from enjoying bottoming, you’ll want to have some deeper talks about that.
Suggestions going forward.
- I didn’t mention yet, but if you are concerned about your boyfriend satisfying you as a top, you shouldn’t be. Not yet anyway. It doesn’t sound like you two have explored that option, so why doubt what you’ve never experienced. If there is an issue of size, you still don’t know if he has tricks up his sleeve that might surprise you. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
- Also, while I don’t know what goes on in your bedroom, you may want to consider revving up your foreplay game. Great foreplay can lead to some great results when done right.
- Be open with your boyfriend. Talk with him about your sex life concerns. You may find he shares them and is willing to come to a solution with you on how to solve the issues.
As always nothing but love,