relationships

He Keeps Cheating but Says He Wants to Change

He Keeps Cheating

T,

My boyfriend and I started our relationship when I was overseas in February, so basically our relationship does not have a stable foundation. I had to go overseas for studies this whole year, I left in January and will be back in April next year. I recently found out that he cheated on me in April when I was looking through his phone messages, he was very intimate with another girl but this whole time he says that he never had sex with her even though the slept on the same bed a few times. He said he broke it off as he felt that it was not right or that he was starting to develop feelings for her, I don’t remember.

It was very rocky for us back in April, we kind of broke up and kept arguing but finally got back together as he had a scheduled trip to visit me in May, he booked the flights back in February. I forgave him, decided to give him another chance but within the last few days, I found he cheated again in November. He only said it was a bj, but I don’t believe that, because his message to his friend was that the girl said that there was no need to use protection, so to me, they did have sex, or else he would not have said that to his friend, no matter what he says.

He also made out with another girl twice around the same period of time, I found out all of this through his messages to his friend. It was him who gave me his password to his social media accounts, as I found out that he was lying to me recently, hence, I have no trust in long-distance relationships so he gave it to me when I asked for it.

Another thing is that he is extremely flirtatious with girls, just too intimate for my liking. I have spoken to him about it and he said that he will change. But the problem is him cheating so many times, like I just can’t accept it. But after mentioning breaking up he told me his reason of being like this, he said he used to be a very loyal person, but because of his ex he turned out this way. He said his ex used to bring guys back to her apartment all the time and was very intimate with other guys when he was dating her, so he thought and believed that he could do the same as well. After confronting him, he said that he regrets it, he just does not know how to reject people which i believe is bullshit. But he said he is willing to change, to give it a fresh start and to really appreciate me this time.

He deleted all of his Instagram messages (which is where I found all this info from), wanting to start anew, he swears that he will change and that he does not want to break up with me. My friends all tell me that a guy who cheats will never change, which I believe, but I also believe in giving people one more chance. But the problem is that I found out about him cheating within a 2 week span this month, I thought I gave him a chance for his cheating in April but now I find out about another one in November.

I really don’t know what I should do, if I can trust him? None of my friends support us together, none of them believe in cheaters. He was bowing on the ground for me to give him another chance, he keeps apologizing, he really regrets it but words have no effect anymore. He said that he will use time to prove it to me, but I don’t know how he will prove it. Just a little background, he works in a bar, so he meets girls on a daily basis. Which I don’t mind as long as he knows how to draw the line, but clearly he does not. He said from now on he will go straight home after work, he won’t have supper with his friends anymore, he said that he will stay at home with me when he has his days off. He said that he will change, he will do anything to not break up, but I really don’t know what to do right now, I am really confused. Please help me.

-Annie

Dear Annie,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry you’re having to wrestle with issues of trust and infidelity. When you have to face those issues, it puts you in a headspace that can really have you in a mixed bag of emotions. So again, sorry you’re dealing with that. Now while you’ve given me a lot of information to digest, my response will be relatively short because I think you already know what to do in this case.

Not to make this about me, but one thing people close to me will tell you is that I’m loyal and believe in the concept of second chances. And those are great qualities. However, these qualities used to get me in trouble a bit, because I’d let people overstay their presence in my life under the assumption that because they stayed around and acknowledged their wrongdoing, they were going to change. Age and experience have taught me that’s not the case.

Maya Angelou once said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” And that’s not to say that people should be defined by one mistake. But in the case of your boyfriend, his one mistake has become a routine habit. His actions have contradicted his commitment to change multiple times now. You may want to believe in the fact he’s proven he’s not capable of committing to the changes he’s promised at this stage in his life.

I’ve always said, everyone has a breaking point when it comes to relationships. But that breaking point will differ depending on the person. So if you find yourself having had enough because he keeps cheating, by all means, walk away. Once a relationship becomes more of a constant hindrance rather than a constant help, you’re entering unhealthy territory.

Suggestions going forward

  1. Don’t let your fear of starting over with someone else or your loyalty to a situation, keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship.
  2. Don’t let me or anyone pressure you into staying or leaving. However, think about what’s best for you. And think, if you had a friend in your shoes, what would you tell her to do?

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot)

 

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