I need advice on how to get over/get my mind off of something that my boyfriend did before we were dating.
My boyfriend of five months just recently told me that he has sent nudes (pictures and videos) to over 100 people. This is in a span of a few years before we have been together, up to right before we started getting serious. He told me this less than a week ago, and it’s something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It is changing the way I view him and act toward him.
I knew he had sent nudes in the past. Right when we became ‘official, he scrolled past a folder in his phone that had countless nude pictures and videos of other men. He deleted the folder and I trust that he is not sending nudes anymore. The thing that bothers me most is that: 1) so many people have seen such a sensitive part of him, 2) if he sent it to that many people, odds are that there is some content of him online and still in the hands of many people, and 3) these people still follow him on social media, know who I am from his posts, and know that we are together.
I have never been one to openly send nudes to people, so I just don’t understand why he would want to do that to so many, even when single. The other day even, I scrolled past a nude photo of someone I don’t know on Twitter, and it turns out he has exchanged nudes with that person. That made it settle in for me how many people I might or might not come in contact with, that has seen him like that.
I really want to continue this relationship. He makes me happy, he is patient and understanding with me and I believe I can trust him. I want to continue this relationship, but I don’t want to keep being miserable and keep thinking about how many people he has sent nudes to.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated
Thanks for writing to me. I’m going to tell you right now that I tend to think the human body in its nude form is beautiful. So for me, nudity isn’t that big a deal. However, I understand the difference between nudity for beauty and nudity for sexualization, and understand wanting to have “for my eyes only” content with a mate, so I intend on being fair with my advice.
On general principle, I tend to believe anything your mate may have done prior to you two getting in a relationship is none of your business. As long as he’s upfront about his health and the fact he’s not been with anyone in your inner circle, his past is his business. While he may share, that’s his choice to do so, not a requirement.
And you admitted knowing your boyfriend sent nudes before you two settled down. The only difference now is you have a number to attach to this equation. Honestly, whether it was 100 or 5 people, I think you would have had a problem with anyone seeing what your boyfriend looks like naked. Not saying you’re wrong to feel a way about other people knowing what the goodies look like, but just simply making an observation.
I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but you could possibly learn something from Kanye. Prior to him marrying Kim K, she had quite a bit of body exposure (and we aren’t talking 100s but millions). However, he married Kim knowing people may have seen what they saw, but he’s the only one with access. You may want to change your mindset to mimic that perspective, and realize that regardless of who has seen what, your boyfriend chose you to have the access.
Suggestions going forward
- Remember that everyone you date will have a past, and more than likely that past will have baggage you aren’t thrilled about. But if what you have in your current relationship is greater than all of the baggage, then leave the past in the past.
- Also, remember he choose you to have access.
- And let people talk. Who cares? These people don’t pay your bills, and if they are gossiping negatively about you, they probably don’t wish you well anyway.
As always nothing but love,