I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend about 4yrs now. I’m 20 and he’s 25. We started experiencing a long distance relationship within 2 yrs. I know he loves me but he has been cheating me there, and he’s now back and his girl has been calling saying that the baby she has is my boyfriend’s. He’s denying it and pleading for me to forgive him while they’ve been fucking up there. It’s really hard for me. What should I do? I’ve left the place we share together he’s saying he ain’t in love with her, and I should not cry since he fucked up with the girl who is far from us? Super Confused
Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear that you find yourself in this complex situation. No one wants to be cheated on, and I’m sure most people would be upset if a baby surfaces as a reminder of the infidelity. So again, I’m sorry you’re currently on an emotional roller coaster right now.
As far as my advice for you in this situation, I’ll start by reiterating a point I’ve made several times. I can’t ever tell someone when he/she has had enough. I can’t tell a person when it’s time to walk away from a relationship, because only that person really knows. (However, if you are being physically or verbally abused, GET OUT of the situation immediately). So if your boyfriend cheating on you is something you think you can forgive with time, by all means work things out. There have been plenty of couples that have reconciled after a singular instance of cheating.
Now if you agree to work things out with your boyfriend, it’s going to take a lot of work on your end. You’re going to have to reach a place where you can say you forgive him and mean that. There’s no need to stay with him if you’re going to allow his infidelity with this girl continue to be an open wound in your relationship. What I mean by that, is every time you have an argument about something completely unrelated, you can’t bring up him cheating as a way to pile on the guilt and win the argument. Once you agree to work things out, and finally work your way to forgiveness, it will be your job to keep moving forward.
Also, if you are going to consider taking him back, you’ve got to have this girl take a pregnancy test and a DNA test first. Your boyfriend may be denying paternity, but the truth of the matter is he won’t know if she’s pregnant or the baby is his until the tests are taken. And if it turns out this girl is pregnant with his baby, you’re going to have to determine whether you can be with him with this woman and baby constantly in the picture. If you don’t think you could handle being around the child knowing how the child was conceived, walk away. No innocent child deserves to feel resentment from a parent’s significant other.
Lastly, I want to reiterate that if you love your boyfriend but this is just too much for you to handle, then move on without him. Infidelity is a breaking point for countless people, and that’s okay. You’re entitled to feel how you feel.
Suggestions going forward.
- Go meet with your boyfriend for purposes of clarity and understanding only. Ask him why he felt led to cheat, and why he felt led to lie about it? Remember, “I don’t know it just happened” is not a good enough answer. Also, make it clear that you can’t even imagine what moving forward with him looks like until a pregnancy test and DNA test are taken by this other woman.
- Once you get some more answers, take some time to yourself to really think about what you want. And I mean think about the answers to tough questions. For example, if you decide to work things out with your boyfriend, what steps do you two need to take to move toward healing? Couples Therapy? Church?
As always nothing but love,