I have a problem I don’t think you’ve written about but hoping you can help me with. I’ve been talking to this guy who I really like for about six weeks or so on IG. Not only does he have body and a great smile, but he also is sexy to me because he is smart. The conversations we have always leave me feeling a type of way if you know what I mean. As great as this guy seems though, we haven’t met in person. Every time I suggest it, he says cool, kind of flakes last minute.
Now usually, I’d tell a guy about himself and just block him. But every time I go to do that, I go through our messages and look at pics of him, and get a little hot to be honest. It doesn’t help that we’ve phone boned a couple of times, and it was sexy. And he’s seen private photos of mine and I’ve seen his, so I feel invested for some reason. My friends think I’m being dumb and being played, but part of me just feel like me and this guy could work, so I don’t want to cut him off completely. Besides, I still talk to other dudes. Could use your input.
Dear Shamefully Sprung,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m just going to jump right into giving you the advice. First things first, your friends are right about you being played, but I think you already know that. What I won’t agree with them on is you being dumb. I’m more inclined to say you’re naively hooked, and the position you’re currently in is one many human beings have been in before. Heck, you can add me to that number.
I know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I can recall the beginning stages of my gay journey being on the blue pages (what I call BGC), and meeting this guy on the site. He was cute, had an amazing body, and like the guy you’re interested in, was super intelligent. He checked off all the boxes in terms of my type. However, he just was just so flakey when it came to meeting up. Usually the game he would play, is he would say he was down to meet and then the day of he went ghost. A day or two later, he would message me like he didn’t flake and I rolled with it. That is until I woke up, which I hope you do.
When guys pull the tricks this guy is pulling with you, there are usually one of three things happening. Option A, the guy you’re talking to is bored and using you to occupy his time. He finds you cute enough to flirt with on his down time, but has no real intentions on building something real with you. Option B in certain ways piggybacks off of Option A. The guy enjoys flirting with you and “phone boning”, but doesn’t want a relationship because he’s already in one. That’s definitely a common thing.
Option C may sound a little crazy, but trust me when I say it happens more than you think. The guy may not be meeting up with you because he physically can’t at the moment. I know friends who have discovered they were being toyed with by someone currently incarcerated. I still don’t know how someone behind bars finds the means to flirt on social media on a daily and phone bone with folks on the outside, but it’s been done. Heck, it’s probably happening right now.
- I suggest you start investing more of your time in the other men you’re talking to, rather than putting so much of your energy into this guy. If this man is great and worthy of being in a relationship with you, make him chase you.
- Delete this guy’s number from your phone and mute him on social media for the time being. See if this guy reaches out to you without you initiating contact. And if he does initiate contact, the first thing you need to request after saying hello is an explanation as to why he won’t link up with you. If he doesn’t offer you one, that’s a clear sign you should move on for good.
- I didn’t mention it before because I assume you two have video chatted to some degree on some platform. However, if you have not, it’s very possible you’re being catfished. If you leave the door open for him even the slightest bit going forward, you’ve got to get him on facetime or skype to see if he is who he says he is.
As always nothing but love,