I Thought He Was Perfect Until I Found Out about His Wife

Dear T,

The guy who I thought was damn near perfection turned out to be liar, and I’m so pissed.  After a month of being so geeked and excited to find a guy that’s cute, smart, and driven, it all ended when I found out this jerk is married to a woman. It doesn’t really matter how I found out, but just know it’s a small world. I confronted the guy and he tried to act like it’s not what it seems.  He said him and his wife have some type of weird arrangement. Like I told him, the hell I look like trying to be with a man that’s already in a relationship. Anyway, the question I have for you, is why do I feel curving him was a mistake? Why do I low key want to keep seeing this man? Like an idiot I legit almost called him yesterday. Thoughts needed.

-Descendant of a King

Dear Descendant of a King,

Thanks for writing to me. Your dilemma sent me on a trip back down Memory Lane. Believe it or not, I once was in your shoes. Several years back I was talking to this guy who I thought was a pretty good catch. Like the man you were dating, the guy I was crushing on was smart, was driven, and had an impressive set of physical traits (I’ll just leave it at that). Well one weekend, we were supposed to meet up and spend an entire three days together.  Then all of a sudden two days before we were scheduled to meet, he calls and tells me he’s trying to work things out with his wife. While I was nonchalant and classy in my response to finding out he had a whole wife, in my head I was cussing him out like I had a comedy special on HBO.   So I can definitely relate to how you’re feeling.

The thing about these men in “marriages with arrangements,” is that while they want to carry on a relationship with someone other than their spouse, the fact remains they’re married.   Married people can’t fully commit themselves to another person, because they are already committed to someone else. As you probably know, that’s completely unfair to you and the other folks being duped into situationships with these Joanne the Scammer type of individuals.

Unfortunately, no matter how wrong I say the guy you were talking to is, it won’t negate the fact that your feelings are real and won’t instantly go away. You spent time getting to know this man and investing in what could be. So you’re not dumb or an idiot for still wanting him. Trust me, every human being with an ex has been where you are. I have a few stories I could tell you where I sent an ill-advised text, or made an inappropriate phone call to a guy I know was definitely not my soulmate.

Believe it or not, with all of that said I can’t tell you whether or not you should stop seeing this guy. That’s ultimately a decision you have to make.  However, I challenge you to think about what you envisioned for yourself in terms of a relationship. Was your Prince Charming shacked up with a spouse? Was your “perfect guy” the type to start off a situationship or relationship based on a lie? I completely understand there will be occasional issues when two people decide to date, and that no one is perfect. But is this issue here too much for you to handle?

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I’m not going to tell you what to do in this situation, but I have a feeling you already know. Just remember, don’t cheat yourself out of what you deserve by settling for what feels “good” right now.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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