I Thought We Were Vibing, Then I Found out About His Girlfriend

 Hey T.,

I have to admit that you give the best advice – I’ve been reading your page for a week and I’m already in love.

Two weeks ago, I went to a coffee shop with two of my friends and while we were having fun, I noticed that the waiter was interested in me. I kept playing with him as I had just broken up with my boyfriend and when I went to the bathroom with my friends, he came in and told me that he liked me but he was 10 years older than me. The next week I went back there and we exchanged numbers. Two days after that we went on a date and we ended up kissing. We talked a little over the next few days on the phone and I went back there after 5 days and he was totally flirting me and we made out again. He wanted to go out with me again but he cancelled our date because of his job. This afternoon I found some pictures of him and a girl on Facebook and I asked him if he was in a relationship and he replied yes, that our “thing” didn’t mean to be something special and that he’d rather I didn’t tell his gf about us. What should I do?


Dear Confused,

Thanks for writing to me and for all of your kind words about my site. As I always say, the kind words from readers like you mean a lot to me. So again, I thank you. Now onto the reason you actually wrote to me in the first place.

Perhaps this may sound too simple, but the best advice I can give you here is to do nothing. Don’t waste your energy cussing this man out because you feel wronged.  Don’t convince yourself it’s your place to tell this man’s wife about his extracurricular activities. And don’t come up with some vengeful plan to out this I assume DL man to the world. While someone may be in your ear telling you to do one or all of these things, trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

First off, most people have one or two folks in their “dating” past that they regret fooling around with.  Heck, off the top of my head I can remember one guy that I usually try to forget. Even now, I want to slap the piss out the young foolish me for making that mistake. And unlike you, I didn’t have the luxury of blaming my unwise decision on a break up. Thankfully for you, you can say you messed with this creep because you were on the rebound from your ex. Since he was a rebound and he didn’t “round all of your bases”, you shouldn’t really have too much attachment to him.

Secondly, if you thought you’d be doing this man’s wife a favor by telling her he cheats on her, you’d be dead wrong. No woman wants to be confronted by the side-piece, and told her man is cheating on her. Yes the wife deserves to know, but it’s better if she finds out on her own, or from someone who has a vested interest in her well-being. You don’t even know the woman to possibly care enough about her and her feelings. Besides, this guy and his wife may have some type of arrangement, so telling her he was messing around with you is a moot point. In some marriages and relationships, partners have permission to “roam” if you catch my drift.

Lastly, I’m usually NEVER okay with someone outing another human being. I think outing people strips them of the privilege of sharing a layer of themselves with those near and dear.  Outing folks can also place people in predicaments they weren’t mentally ready to handle, and that can lead to some serious mental health issues, and even suicidal consequences. Which again, is why I ordinarily don’t endorse dragging someone out of the closet. (Now there are one or two reasons I think outing someone is understandable, but you certainly haven’t provided me with one.)  Putting someone’s sexuality on blast just isn’t cool.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Don’t let this man take all your power. Reclaim it by continuing to operate within your routine, and go to the coffee shop when you see fit. If you happen to see him working while there, ignore him or acknowledge his presence with a simple head nod. Now if you know yourself and don’t think you can do this without cussing him out, then simply find a new coffee shop.


  1. Be sure to acknowledge to yourself what this guy was. A rebound, and nothing more. Do yourself a favor, and stop focusing on this man, and start focusing on the next man.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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