My Boyfriend and I Are in the Closet, And He Sleeps with His Ex-Girlfriend

Hi T,

My name is Lawrence from Nigeria. Actually I have been dating this guy for 6 years now and we have been nothing short of a perfect couple though we are closeted due to the harsh socio-political and culture terrain, however we have been having issues of late over a girl he used to date that has succeeded in wiggling herself back to him. We have built our lives together in business and other areas and we stay together but this girl wants to come over all the time and I have to leave our bedroom and take the couch so they can have privacy to talk, sleep and have sex. We have talked and quarreled about it but he is asking me to be understanding.  The funny thing is he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and says she is a cover up for his mum.  The truth is I love him crazy, I don’t want to lose him, want him for myself.  I also want to be understanding of his point of view, but I can’t bear the part where she has to come over always as well as the sex part. I really don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Lawrence,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m just going to jump right into this answer because I found myself quite bothered by your dilemma. I completely understand why you are upset.  Absolutely no one wants to be in a situation where he is living in a home where he is paying bills to be uncomfortable. Heck, if I were in your shoes, my boyfriend may have experienced the wrath of my inner Scorpio, and his ex-girlfriend my passive aggressive tendencies. While I believe in people trying to be understanding of their partner’s point of view and making compromises every now and again, at some point things become a bit ridiculous. You’ve unfortunately reached the point of ridiculous.

It’s a bit ridiculous for your boyfriend to expect you to continually sleep on the couch while he has sex and private moments with his ex any time he wants.  In the bed that you two share.  That’s extremely disrespectful to you and the relationship you two share. And for him to act like you should just be able to deal with the situation for the sake of pleasing his mother, is not a good enough excuse for him to continue to place you in this unfair position.

Now don’t think I’m insensitive to culture in which you and your boo live.  I understand that a homosexual relationship may not be the most accepted thing in your country.  I also understand that it may be easier for you two to live your lives in private as long as he has a great public cover story with his ex.  But the problem now, is that the public cover is interfering with your private life.  It’s like your boyfriend is doing whatever he can to please everyone in his life that’s not you.

Oh and for him to ask you to be understanding, that’s a bit selfish.  He should be understanding of why you are upset. Why you have a problem with him having sex with another person in your bed.  Why you’re pissed that you have to spend so many nights on the couch in a place you help pay for. Your boyfriend should be more compassionate about your feelings, and the fact you have a problem with him basically cheating on you in your face.


Suggestions going forward.

  1. I typically don’t believe in one partner giving the other ultimatums. However given the circumstances, you would be completely justified in putting your foot down and telling your boo that it’s either you or the ex.


  1. As I always say, you can’t ever tell another person when he’s had enough. But, if you find yourself in a situation where you can no longer be in the relationship as it is, then leave. Your boyfriend may be a great business partner, but if he isn’t the mate you want, then you don’t have to stay.


As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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