relationships

How Do I Get Over My Cheating Ex?

Dear T,

I have a question I think you can help me with.  Or at least I’m hoping you can.  I’ve seen some of the advice you give other people, so I’m going to give this a shot.  It’s been a little over a month since my boyfriend and I have broken up, and I can’t seem to get over him. It still feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I still miss the bastard.  See, my ex is someone I thought could be my husband one day.  What we had was real.  That’s what I thought until I found out he cheated on me.  He told me he hooked up with some random when he went out of town with his friends.  While I gave him credit for telling the truth, I couldn’t stay with someone that would do that to me.  I would have never done that to him.  The thing that really sucks, is that I can’t seem to move on.  I tried going on Jack’d and going to gay bars or whatever, but every time I think there is potential with someone, the person turns out to be a dud.  And plus, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I’m a fool for still wanting him right? Anyway, simply put, how do I get over an ex?

-Alex Lovelong

Dear Alex Lovelong,

Thanks for writing to me. First things first, I’m sorry for the obvious broken heart you are currently suffering from right now. It sucks when you lend your heart to someone you love and he crushes it in one swift motion.  In one moment of bad judgment and infidelity, he strips you of trust, security, and comfort.  Unfortunately, the one thing he doesn’t strip you of is your love for him.   It’s this last lingering emotion that many people wish would go away when a relationship ends.  But as you now know, that’s not the case.

Getting over an ex has never been an easy thing. Why do you think singers like Mary J. Blige, Adele, and Mariah Carey have belted out famous hits talking about process?  It’s because most people that take the risk in the game of love will go through this uncomfortable phase at some point. As you clearly are aware of, since you wrote this letter. I’d like to tell you that there is one quick and easy solution to make you feel better, but there’s no such luck. Sorry.

What I can tell you, is that folks that tell you “the best way to get over one man is to get under another one,” are wrong.  Humping one, two, or even fifteen guys in an effort to get over an ex won’t help you in your healing process.  Granted it may feel good, it won’t do much for you in the long run.

I want you to think of a broken heart like a common cold.  With the common cold, there is no cure.  A person can take Robitussin, Tylenol, Theraflu, and even pop a few Halls Cough Drops, but it won’t cure a cold.  Meds can alleviate the symptoms of a cold, but a cold takes time to get out of person’s system.  And it will take time for you to get love for your ex out of your system.

Now if you’re looking for some relief to help with your symptoms of a broken heart, don’t turn to hookups, booze, and other substances.  Look for closure.  For you, closure may come in the form of knowing why your boyfriend cheated?  Or perhaps, knowing if he felt you did something to push him toward his poor decision. (By no means am I saying you are to blame for a grown man cheating, but perhaps you didn’t nurture the relationship as you should have.)  Closure really is about getting the answers to any questions you have about the relationship and its ending.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Reach out to your ex to get some of that closure I mentioned. While the conversation probably won’t be a fun experience, the truth will help you through this tough time and will more than likely benefit you in future relationships.  After all, every experience should to teach you something.
  2. I didn’t really talk about it above, but if you are considering reconnecting with your ex, there is nothing wrong with that. I for one won’t judge you.  As I’ve said before, good guys cheat. But only you know if your ex is indeed a good guy.
  3. And finally, give yourself some time to heal.  It’s okay if takes you a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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