He Said I Was Too Feminine

Hi T,

Read through a couple of the articles on here, and loved them. You give pretty good advice.  Hoping you’ll be able to give me some. I was seeing this guy I met on Jack’d, and after about a month and a half of dating, he got weird all of a sudden. He stopped texting and calling, and didn’t respond when I reached out to him. So a few days ago, I see him out at this bar with his friends. When he headed to the bathroom alone, I went and confronted him. Point blank, I asked him what the deal was. He told me I was “too feminine.” Rather than cuss him out, I walked away. But now that I’ve thought about it some more, I’m really offended and want to tell his ass off. What should I do? What would you have done?

-Apparently too Girly

Dear Apparently too Girly,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m glad you like the advice I’ve given to people in the past. I’m hopeful you will find the advice I give you today to be helpful.  Femininity in the gay community has always presented to be a sore issue for some, so I’ll try to be careful.  Let’s get to it.

Like you, most people like closure. They experience the beginning of something, and expect to experience a proper ending. When that doesn’t happen, they’re left surprised and frustrated, not knowing what they did not to receive a proper goodbye. So I understand your feelings here.

However, due to a chance meeting, you unlike others got to see this guy again and get an answer to the “why.”  Unfortunately, it wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear. Again, perceived masculinity and femininity is often a big deal to folks in the homosexual realm. I’m sure you’ve heard some people say things like “I don’t want a ‘lady’ climbing my back.” And others (maybe not as frequently) speak about their attraction to “feminine men.” It really boils down to a person’s preference. And as hard as it may be, you should try not to be too offended by the answer to the “why” you received in this case. Instead, understand this guy’s comments as you two have different personalities that don’t mesh well. Like you would if he said he was too conservative and you too liberal. Or if claimed to only watched sci-fi things, but you only like drama and suspense. You’re just two people not meant to be.

Now as far as you being upset about him ending things with you abruptly and not giving you a proper goodbye, you’re entitled to feel bothered. One day you think you’re building something, and the next you’re just being rudely ignored.  However, I also understand what I call the “phase out.”  When someone allows something to end just by phasing out of the picture. Not communicating to the person he’s dating. I’ve actually done that once after about 6 weeks of dating. It may not have been right per say, but I didn’t want a small thing to turn into a big thing. I think we both knew it wasn’t going to work, and that was that. He didn’t get upset either. But again, that was my experience.


Suggestions going forward.

  1. Remember that everyone’s definition of masculinity differs. Despite there being definitions for the term, the meaning really is relative depending on who you talk to.


  1. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. You two aren’t meant to be. So take your energy and focus on the future, not the past.


  1. Please don’t make a habit of following someone to the bathroom to confront him about something. That can definitely end badly.


  1. Regardless of what this guy said about your masculinity, if you identify as a man, than continue to own that. You are you. Don’t allow his words to sink in your head and try to change that.


As always nothing but love,


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