I Like Him, But He Won’t Get Deep with Me

Hi T,

I’m dating someone who I believe has communication issues. I really like this person (actually I am falling in love), but our communication is horrible in my opinion. We have similar interests, enjoy being around each other, spending all of our time together and texting all day, but for some reason when we converse, we never go deep. What should I do to correct this so it doesn’t cause problems in the future? S/N, I feel like because I’m recently divorced,  and my ex-husband was big on communication, I’m expecting him to be because it’s what I’m use too? Am I wrong to want our communication to be as strong as our sexual, physical, mental, spiritual, and intellectual connection as well?

Brain Over Heart

Dear Brain Over Heart,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m sorry to hear of your recent divorce, but I’m thrilled to know you have begun to put yourself back on the market.  Although I’ve never been married or divorced, I know opening yourself back up to receive love is a big deal.  So congrats!

Communication is key in any relationship.  Without it, not even the best looks nor the hottest sex will keep two people together.  With that said, you have to be aware of the communication style of your partner, and learn to decipher what he really means when he says and does things.  And your current boo’s means of communication is most likely different from your ex.  Sometimes, as is the case with me more often than not, you have to read into what I’m not saying and pay attention to my actions.  These things are as much a part of my communication as anything, and it takes a while for people to understand that and to get to know me. I’m not always going to be the walking billboard some people naturally are.  And your new man may be similar in this regard.

What I find interesting here, is that you said you are falling in love with someone that you’ve never gone deep with.  That’s a little concerning to me, because it’s possible you may be falling in love with the shell of a guy you want to be “the one.”  You and your new boo may share things in common, may have a few good laughs, and may have many passionate romps in the hay, but if you haven’t discovered who the man is behind the man, than you probably want to reel your heart in a bit.

Sometimes when a guy keeps you at distance, and doesn’t allow you into the inner realm of who he is, it has nothing to do with an issue in communication.  It has more to do with him trying to keep you at an arm’s length, because he doesn’t want to get serious too fast, or in some cases get serious at all.  He tells you just enough to keep you interested and calling.  Not saying this describes your boo, but it is something to think about and look out for.

Now there are instances, when a guy has issues with opening up to a potential partner, because he’s gun shy.  He could have been in prior situationships and relationships where he prematurely opened up to someone, and that someone had no intention of staying around, and left him. If this is the case, he could be waiting until he gets a better since of where you two are headed romantically, before he bares it all.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I’m not sure how recent your divorce is, but just make sure you’re ready to enter a relationship again. And whether it’s with this guy or another, be careful of trying to enter into a relationship too quickly because you miss the benefits of having a partner.


  1. If you want to get deep with this guy, then try a little harder to make him feel comfortable about opening up. I find when you put yourself out there, other people are more willing share more personal things about themselves. So try sharing a semi personal anecdote, and see if he returns your truth for one of his own.  (Since you are risking putting your business on front street, don’t tell him anything you would seriously regret should he not be invested in a relationship with you and leaves.)


  1. Also, don’t forget what I said about some men not getting deep with people they date because they don’t want to commit.

As always nothing but love,


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2 thoughts on “I Like Him, But He Won’t Get Deep with Me”

  1. BrainoverHeart says:

    thanks alot for the advice. I shouldn’t say we don’t go deep at all..because we do. It’s just not as deep as i’m use too with someone i’m involved with. We both have expressed the L word and what our expectations, and actually taking things at a slow pace. I just didn’t think communication would be included. thanks again, and I love this blog btw

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      Oh well in this case, just give him a little time to open up. Like I said, if he is like me, you pay attention to his actions and allow him to open up slowly but surely. And thanks for the compliment about the blog. I love when I hear positive feedback. If you have anymore questions feel free to contact me again. In the mean time, spread the word about According to T LOL

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