I am coming up on my 4th year in a relationship with a partner I love. Six months into the relationship our sex life dwindled down to almost nothing. We have had multiple conversations about our sexless relationship. We’ve considered health concerns and even emotional possibilities. I don’t feel like there is cheating occurring. I don’t think anyone is getting any. My greatest concern is that there doesn’t seem to be the same urgency to correct this situation as it is for me. Cuddling is great, kissing is good, but as I was told as a child kissing leads to things… just not for me! I don’t know what to do next. Can you offer any assistance?
-Where’s the Sex
Dear Where’s the Sex,
Thanks for writing to me. First off, congrats on four years. In this day and age where many people date and get in and out of relationships at warp speed, four years is nothing to sneeze at. So congrats on you two making it this far. Having said that, I’m a little concerned with your concern here.
You say after six months into your relationship your sex life “dwindled down to almost nothing.” And yet you’ve been with your boyfriend for four years. Some reading this will wonder why you two have stayed together 3 and half years after the sex began to die out. But I happen to be one of those people that don’t believe sex is everything in a relationship. Friendship, honesty, trust, and openness are just a few of things I think are more important than what happens in the bedroom. To be clear, I’m not saying sex isn’t important, because it is. I’m just saying there are some other things that are a bit more important in my opinion. I’m assuming you think like I do, and that’s why you haven’t given up on your mate.
What I’m wondering here, is why you haven’t taken steps past the one-on-one conversations that haven’t improved anything? While regular sex is clearly not your top priority, it is something that is quite important to you. So why haven’t you and he taken more concrete steps to fix this issue? Even if your partner doesn’t necessarily have a sense of urgency about solving the mystery of the low libido for himself, if he loves you (like I think he probably does) he will take concrete steps to revive your sex life if you demand more of him. So demand more of him. You don’t have to give ultimatums per say, but you should take a harder stance with him when it comes to seeking solutions.
Now I’m not a therapist, but I would urge you two to seriously sit down with one and trace your steps back to six months into your relationship. What happened then that tanked your sex life? Did he go through something traumatic that impacted his psyche, causing him not to desire sex and intimacy? Or after six months, did he find your sex life a little too monotonous and routine? Look, every couple hits a moment in their relationship when one or both people want to spice things up. These are questions you can probably get answers to with a professional in the room.
Suggestions going forward.
- Again, you two should go to couples therapy. Sometimes partners just need a third unbiased party available to talk them through their relationship woes. If there is a psychological issue, seeing a professional can help him break through his low libido funk.
- It wouldn’t hurt your partner to get a general checkup either, just in case there is something physically problematic.
- If you have an inkling your sex life is suffering from boredom, check out my post about spicing things up. (Spicing Up Sex Life)
As always nothing but love,