Why Is Your Man Beefing with Me?

Dear T,

I had an issue that came up last month, and just want to get your advice. I have this friend who I’ve known for a couple years invite me out to visit him in Cali. Well when I went out there for a few days to visit, I stayed with him at his apartment. His boyfriend who is not his roommate, decided to stay at the apartment the whole time I was there. And the boyfriend was so nasty and so rude. He kept side-eying me and throwing slight shade. To top it off, he was real extra with the PDA with my friend, and was my friend’s shadow. Obviously the dude was jealous or threatened by me, but I didn’t say anything while in Cali because I didn’t want to ruin my whole weekend. But should I have cussed the guy out like I wanted to?

-Just Askin

Dear Just Askin,

Thanks for writing to me.  I hope aside from the little turbulence, you enjoyed your overall trip out to Cali. I haven’t been yet, but hope to change that soon.   Now as far as your issue, you absolutely did the right thing in this instance.

From what you’ve shared, I’ll have to agree with you here about jealousy.  Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like he may have been threaten by you. This actually reminds me of something that happened to me.  A few years back, my bestie and I were visiting the Big Apple, and planned to hang with a mutual friend.  So our first night in the city, we met up with him and other folks we know at a bar. When my bff and I walked through the doors of the bar, I noticed a guy I’ve never met before hanging with our group. After introductions were exchanged, I was made aware that the mystery guy was my New York friend’s boyfriend. Now I was nothing but polite. I tried to make small talk with the boyfriend, and get to know him, but he behaved as if my mere breathing was pissing him off. And similar to your situation, the boo thang kept doing things to make it clear my friend was off limits.  Like you, I took the high road when interacting with the boo, because I refused to have a bad time.

If I was different type of person, I probably would have made it clear to the boyfriend in a nice nasty tone that I didn’t want any parts of his man. That the bond my friend and I have doesn’t extend into a sexual relationship, so the boyfriend should have several seats and calm his box. And that if I wanted my New York comrade in that way, that could have been the case when we first met. (Different story for a different day).

But again, I took high road, and I’m glad I did. When I go on trip or vacation, I’m interested in having a good time. I don’t do drama when I’m at home, so why would I pay money to go somewhere to do it. Just not my style. I’m no punk, but I know when it’s best to just let it go and move on. Besides, nothing pisses a person off more, then you being unbothered and having a good time, while they are trying to be shady. LOL!

So don’t regret not clapping back your friend’s bae while out West.  It wasn’t worth your time.  If that guy wanted to be so bothered by your presence, then “oh well.”  Had you reacted differently, you may have ruined your Cali experience and caused damage to your relationship with your friend.   Hopefully your buddy noticed the stunt his boyfriend pulled with you and his overall jealous behavior, and addressed it in private.  However, your friend really should have addressed the issue while you were there.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Although easier said than done, don’t give anyone the power to steal your happy. Especially while on vacation.


  1. If you still feel bothered by what happened, then casually mention that to your friend. Allow him to address his bae if he hasn’t already.

As always nothing but love,


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