You’ve Outgrown Your Friend

Dear T,

How many arguments do you have to have with a friend before you call off the friendship?  It seems like me and my so called bff, argue at least once a month.  And I honestly am sick of wasting the energy and time.  I mean we argue over the dumbest things.  I think the last time we had a disagreement it was because he didn’t like that I was 30 minutes late in meeting him for drinks.  Keep in mind that I was late because there was an accident.  He acted as if I had control over how people drive.  I just can’t keep doing this petty back and forth anymore, especially with someone I’m not even sleeping with.  What should I do here, especially with someone I’ve known for over 12 years?

– Just Enough

Dear Just Enough,

Thanks for writing to me.  My answer will be relatively brief, because I think you already know what to do here.  What is clouding your judgment in this situation, is that number twelve flashing in the back of your mind.

As we grow and mature as people, certain things that we used to put up with in our younger years become intolerable in adulthood.  If you are anything like me, you hate being around negativity all the time.  It’s mentally, and sometimes physically, draining.  In the long run, certain preventable toxicity will distract and deter you from the goals you’re trying to achieve in life.  And let’s be honest, who has time for that!

If you find yourself fed up with the bs, then start cutting ties with him.  I understand that 12 years is a long time, but that could just mean it took you more time than it should have to realize that this person was meant to be a seasonal friend.  That he wasn’t brought in your life to endure for the long haul.  Listen, if a best friend is not nurturing of your growth, supportive in your failures, and respectful with your feelings and emotions, then you either have to cut that person out of your life or really demote their bff status.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you rather end the friendship indirectly, then stop communicating with him as frequently, decline offers to hang out, and gradually become MIA as far as he is concerned. He will eventually catch the hint.


  1. If you rather end the friendship a little more directly, then invite him out for drinks and have that tough conversation. You don’t necessarily have to tell him he is too toxic for you right now, but you can simply tell him you just need some space.  (Although if you tell him about his petty ways, you may spark a needed movement of maturity for him.  But be careful how you word that, I’d hate for you to get in an altercation because of phrasing.)

As always nothing but love,


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