My Weight, Our Problem

Dear T,

Should I expect my boyfriend to still want to be with me if I’ve gained weight since we first started dating?  I mean we still love each other, but I have put on about 30 pounds in the 1 ½ years we’ve been together.  And I’ve noticed we don’t have sex as often, but not sure if I should chalk that up to my weight or not.  Your advice would be appreciated.


Lil Thicker

Dear Lil Thicker,

Thanks for writing to me.  You asked a great question given the time of year it is.  Between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day, many of us fall victim to weight gain.  Heck, I know I’m currently a little thicker than I’d like to be thanks to my mom’s macaroni and cheese, my aunt’s cookies, my grandma’s everything, and my lack of self-control.  For those that have put on a few or thirty pounds, and currently in a relationship, the normal weight gain insecurities can amplify.

Remember that song from Musiq Soulchild “Dontchange”?  In the song, he basically claims that no matter what the physical appearance of his boo thang, he will always love her regardless.  Most of us dream of finding a partner that will love us unconditionally whether we are 172 pounds or 271.  And when you find that person, you’ve found a great thing.

Having said all of that, the answer to your question is a shaky yes.  If you and your boyfriend have a relationship built on something more solid than pure looks, than your boyfriend will still want you.  Real love extends beyond what someone weighs from one month to the next.  I’m assuming that’s the kind of love you share with your boyfriend.

Now I replied with a shaky yes to your question, because sometimes weight can have an impact on couples.  When you and your partner met, you apparently were of a particular size that he obviously found attractive.  Depending on the type of guy your bae is, he may find you the most desirable at your prior size.  And even if his level of attraction to you is stronger than ever, there is the small fact that you feel slightly insecure about your “sexy.”  It is not a good feeling being uncomfortable in your skin, and can make for awkward times in the bedroom.  Does making love in the dark and under one or two shirts sound familiar?

Before your mind, or that of other readers, strays too far let me be clear.  Whether your boo’s attraction has slightly changed or you find yourself less confident in your body, again true love survives and thrives.  It may perhaps cause some minor obstacles in your relationship, but won’t destroy that kind of bond all the songs rave about.  So try not to do too much stressing.  Besides, some men like a little more cushion for the pushing if you catch my drift.  Plus, depending on where the extra 30 pounds went, you may be winning in this situation.  Can you say donk?

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you feel awkward with your new weight, then make a real effort to lose it. Shedding pounds may be hard, but it’s not impossible.


  1. Remember that couples sometimes hit slumps in the bedroom. That’s normal.  The decrease in your sex frequency may have nothing to do with your size, but  something else.


  1. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your sex life. You may find out you two just need to spice things up in the bedroom.  If so, I have another post for you to read. (Spicing Up Sex Life)

As always nothing but love,


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4 thoughts on “My Weight, Our Problem”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Happy New Year T! Great advice (as always) and great new layout!

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      Lol why thank you

  2. Miggles says:

    Sometimes in a relationship, one gets too comfortable. Especially when you love someone, ’cause you think they will love you no matter what. I used to think that “the boyfriend 15” would never happen to me, until when I got slapped in the face when my shirts started to fit way to snug, or they wouldn’t button anymore.
    Needless to say it was a blessing in disguise. We started going to the gym… together as a team, we Motivated and pushed each other. It made our relationship a little stronger.
    Not only was the motivation great, but it was a major turn on. Watching your man working out, getting hot and steamy was a great pleasure.

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      “the boyfriend 15,” I absolutely love that term. And you better believe it’s a real thing. I know firsthand. Oh and watching your partner snap back is a hot thing. Hotter when you snap back too LOL!

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