Dating, relationships

My Boyfriend Has a Sex Tape Online…What to Do?

Dear T,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now, and everything was going great.  But a few days ago he told me something that has got me really questioning a future with him.   He told me that a year ago he and his boyfriend of the time made a sex video, and that the video is somewhere on the tube.  I tried to play it cool when he told me, but I’m kind of freaking out.  I don’t know if I can make someone bae, when bae has spread his cheeks for the world to see.  I tried looking for the video but can’t find it, and he didn’t tell me the title of it.  I didn’t really ask either I guess.  So what advice do you have for me T?  Could use some.

-Surprised Dater

Dear Surprised Dater,

Thanks for writing to me.  You presented me with quite the interesting scenario.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  If you are like me, you recognize that those you date have a past.  However, sometimes one’s past is a bit too much for you to handle.  And it’s not about you judging anyone, it’s about you being comfortable in your “situationship.”

Let me tell you a tale of my own.  About 8 years ago or so, I was talking to this guy I had met on BGC Live. (Yes, BGC Live LOL!)  We had been chatting for about two weeks or so, and I thought he was handsome and had a witty sense of humor.  Then, he dropped the bomb that his career goal in life was to own and operate a porn company.  I initially thought he was joking, but he was dead serious.  I like you, was initially put off thinking we would never work.  But attempting to ignore my apprehension, I continued to see him.  However at the end of the day, his aspirations were just outside of my comfort level, and we ended things.

I share my anecdote with you to show that sometimes, you have to know when to pull the plug when dating.  No matter how good a guy may be, or how handsome he is, or how much he makes you laugh, certain things may come up that prevent you from going forward in a relationship.  Those certain things could include a baby mama, an overbearing mother, a drug addiction, or a sexually “liberated” past or future.

Now let me be clear again, I’m not judging those that have a sex tape or have ambitions of playing a part in the porn industry.  What I am saying, is that not everyone is built to handle a person with such a “public” past, present, or future.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Ask him details about the video he has out. Perhaps his face is not in the tape, and in turn you may not find that as bothersome.
  1. Take time and really think about whether you can handle dating this guy. If you can’t, then you should amicably end things.
  1. Now if you decide you want to give it a go with this guy, then you have to leave his past in the past. You can’t constantly bring it up, and you for sure can’t throw it in his face in future arguments.

As always nothing but love,


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