Dating, relationships

Should I Try to Get Him Back

Hello T,

I don’t know how to begin this without crying, but my boyfriend and I recently broke up and it is due to the fact that I won’t top for him. When we first started dating I expressed how I was worried that he was a vers and I am afraid that I wouldn’t be able to please him.  He had stated that he loved our sex and that I shouldn’t worry.

The thing that makes it so hard is that we met each other’s parents, and other important people in our lives. We had plans for the future and now they have all gone down the drain.

I want to call him and tell him that I will do it, that I don’t want to give up on us, but what happens when I do it and he still is not satisfied? Will be right back to this point? I don’t want to act upon being freshly single. Please help.

Once Again Single

Dear Once Again Single,

Thanks for writing to me.  First off, I want to say how sorry I am to hear of your recent breakup.  Matters of the heart can often be complicated, and usually hurt when they don’t go our way.  And when a relationship ends, we sometimes go through our mind searching for hope that the end is temporary.  So I understand the position you are in right now.

Based on your letter, I am under the impression that you felt blindsided by your ex’s decision to call things off with you.  As if he didn’t drop any signals or hints that he was unhappy in the relationship.  However, I’m going to push you to think about your time spent with him during the weeks leading up to the breakup.  Try to think if his communication was more distant than usual.  Or if he was visibly not satisfied in bed.  Or if he just looked miserable overall.  If you really stop to think and analyze the past few weeks, I’m almost certain you saw a few signs that something was wrong.

And I have to ask why you think the reason you two broke up was your unwillingness to perform topping duties?  I can’t shake this feeling I have, that if he were really interested in making this relationship work and you topping was a huge issue for him, he would have told you at some point during your time together.  Heck, he probably would have even made an effort to instruct you on how to “rock the boat” the way he likes it.  But to walk away abruptly because you didn’t use your man bits, it sounds a little baffling to me.  Especially if he professed that was never an issue.

Look, as much as you probably want me to, I can’t tell you whether to attempt to get him back or not.  Ultimately that is a decision that is up to you to make.  Having said that, I will advise that should you go down that road it’s in your best interest to discover the real reason he was so quick to walk away from you.  You need to ask questions.  Ask him things like, “Was our sex life the reason we broke up?”  “Did you meet someone else?” The most important question you must ask him is, “Are you willing to work on us?”  Clearly there is no point on trying to reunite with someone who no longer wishes to be with you.

Now if turns out that your relationship did indeed end because of issues in the bedroom and he is willing to get back together, I want you to read my post on what makes a good top (A Bottom’s Kind of Top).  The tips I give there could benefit you a ton.  Oh and if your former boo is into a “man’s man” type of top and that’s not you, play the part for the bedroom.  Nothing wrong with a little role play.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If after talking with the ex you find he doesn’t want a relationship with you, then DO NOT beg him to change his mind. Again, you don’t want to be coupled with someone who doesn’t really want to be coupled to you.
  1. Remember, relationships are risky business. Sometimes they work out, and sometimes they don’t.  That’s just the name of the game.  But you can’t let the losses in love stop you from pursuing that BIG win.  If you know what I mean.
  1. If you two give it another go, I can’t guarantee you won’t run into any issues. I’ll say it once more, relationships are risky business.
  1. Don’t allow sadness to consume you. That’s easier said than done I know, but trust me.  You don’t want to stay in “heartbreak mode.”  Unless you plan to be the next Adele or Mary J., and have musical aspirations.

As always nothing but love,


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