What Are Realistic Expectations for Sex in a Relationship?

Dear T,

Quick and hopefully easy question for you.  I’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months now.  How frequently should we be having sex?  My sister has been married for 4 years, and she says she is fine being with her husband just once a week.  Her sentiments actually echo my boyfriend’s thoughts on the matter.  Now if I’m honest, I’d rather have sex every other day, if not every day.  Those that know me, tease me and say I’m a nympho.   And my boo says I need to be a bit more realistic, because sometimes he doesn’t feel like going through cleaning process all the time, and sometimes just wants chill out.   Anyway what are your thoughts?


Anthony 11

Dear Anthony 11,

Thanks for writing to me.  This is a classic example of a question with no one perfect answer.  It’s kind of like a Family Feud question.  There will be some top answers, but no one can agree on just one.  However since you asked me, I will definitely offer you my opinion.

To your boyfriend’s point, penetration sex for gay men can be an exhausting cleaning process.  For those wanting to “catch,”  they may have to watch what they eat for the day, conduct several rinses with enema bottles and such, and then head to the shower for a thorough washing.  Who wants to do that every single day?  Heck, your boyfriend may want to eat Chipotle with no worries sometimes.  Or let his body function naturally without “bottled” influence.  And I’m not sure of his level of activity in the bedroom, but if he likes to performs, I understand him being too tired to put on a daily show.

With all that said, I honestly believe the frequency of sex in a relationship is something that will and should vary between each couple.  Some couples are perfectly fine having sex once a week, because they may have other obligations outside of the bedroom that require too much of their time.  Plus, they may find the intimacy of romance more important than the physical act of sex.  And that’s okay, because it works for BOTH of them.  However, there are couples out there that like to have relations on a daily basis or multiple times a week.  They find that frequency helps to keep things spicy, and is great for their partnership.

The most important thing to remember here, is that it’s up to the two individuals in a relationship to decide on how often they have intercourse.  If one person, like yourself, has a higher sexual drive than the other, then that’s when the neighborhood of compromise should be visited.  So if your boyfriend doesn’t want to be penetrated all the time, perhaps he can stimulate you in other ways.  Or, you can take yourself to a cold shower.  Or even develop a hobby. LOL!

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Since I said all I wanted to say on this topic above, I just have one suggestion. Let you and your boyfriend set the tone of your sex life.  Don’t worry about what everybody else is doing.

As always nothing but love,


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2 thoughts on “What Are Realistic Expectations for Sex in a Relationship?”

  1. Matt Melo says:

    great piece of advice. If you compare yourself and your relationship to others you’ll always fall short. Focus on what works for BOTH of you!

    1. According To T says:

      Thanks Matt. I always say, what works for others may not work for you.

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