Dating, friendship, relationships

Found Out I’m Guilty of “Crew Love”

Dear T,

I started seeing this guy about a month ago, and things have been going great.  That is, until we recently added each other on Instagram.  Going through his pictures, I noticed that there is this one man that is in quite a few of them.  I naturally asked the guy I’m dating who the man is, and he tells me it’s his God brother.  He said they’ve known each other since they were kids.   So the issue here is, I actually slept with the God brother about two years ago.  It was an after club hookup.  Anyways, I don’t know if I should tell the guy I’m dating or not.  And if I do tell him, when that should be.  I like this guy and want to see where this goes.  Help would be appreciated.


Jacob Doe

Dear Jacob Doe,

Thanks for writing to me.  Because I don’t want to sugar coat anything, I’m just going to tell you.  The situation you find yourself in kind of sucks.  On one hand, you don’t know if the guy you are seeing is the type that will have a problem with the fact you “smashed a homie.”  On the other hand, even if the guy you are talking to is the type to brush this off, you may be the type to be concerned about the God brother whispering into your could be boo’s ear about you.  The good news here however, is that you are definitely not the first person to be in this predicament.  As small as the dating pool is in the gay community, you, and pretty much every other SGL man, is bound to be placed in an experience like this.

Since this is a common occurrence, I don’t want you to feel bad at all.  You had a one night stand with a guy.  Countless people have.  You didn’t know that this man would be the bestie of your potential boyfriend.  However, if you think this is something that will stay under wraps for the long haul, you’re mistaken.  If you continue dating this guy and enter into a relationship, the God brother is bound to find out who you are dating.  And the latter may feel an obligation to tell about your past even if you don’t.

At the end of the day, you’re going to have to man up and tell the guy you’re dating that you actually know his God brother, and more specifically you know him in an intimate way.  You already opened the door to telling him, once you asked him who the man was in the picture.  It’s better for you to tell him than for the God brother to beat you to it.  I know if I were the guy you’re seeing, I would appreciate the honesty.  And as long as the sex was a one-time thing with my friend, and there are no feelings involved from either party, I think I could move past this minor hiccup.  However, the longer you wait to hell him, the more you risk this blowing back in your face in the worst way.

Going forward here are my suggestions.

  1. Again tell this man before someone beats you to it. And if this guy and his God brother are close, keep in mind that there is a possibility your “bae” already knows what happened and doesn’t care.
  1. Tell the truth after a nice night out and in private.
  1. When telling this guy what happened, avoid going into detail about the sexual experience IF POSSIBLE. Painting a vivid picture of what happened that night will definitely not work in you favor.

As always nothing but love,


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