Dating, The Lifestyle

Should I Date Someone Still Stuck in the Closet?

Hey T,

I want to ask you for your opinion on something.  I haven’t seen the inside of the theoretical closet in about 5 years.  However, I’ve been kicking with this guy lately and I think he is really still in it.  He’s not big on going out on dates in public, he introduced me as his friend when we stumbled across one of his old high school buddies, and whenever I go to his place he always has the blinds closed tight and curtains drawn.  I really like this man because we click on many levels, but I don’t like to feel like I’m being drug back in the closet.  Should I dump this guy, or be patient with him and hope things get better?

Thanks in advance,

Truffle No Butter

Dear Truffle No Butter,

Thanks for writing to me.  I know you are probably hoping to get a straight “yes” or a straight “no” answer from me on this one, but I unfortunately can’t provide you with that.  What I will say, is if you feel dating him is going to prohibit you from being you in any way, then you may want to end things before they go too far.  Being in a relationship where you can’t be your genuine self is the worse.  Plus, knowing firsthand all the feelings of insecurity and anxiety one can experience on the path to acceptance and living one’s truth, I understand not wanting to be involved with someone that compromises your sense of self-pride because he is still insecure with his truth.

Before you get to dumping folks however, I think it’s worth noting that there is a possibility this guy is more concerned about preserving his privacy when it comes to dating, than preserving the mystery of his sexual identity.  Some people like to keep who they are dating under wraps until they are certain the person is worth mentioning.  And that has nothing to do with how far they are in or out of the closet. They rather be in a committed relationship with an individual, before they start making introductions to family/friends.  From what you’ve said, I’m led to believe you two haven’t been dating too long, so you may just need to give the situation some time to unfold.

Me personally, I consider myself to be relatively discrete about my sexuality.  Now that has nothing to do with me being ashamed to be gay, but more with the fact it’s not everyone’s business who is behind my bedroom doors.  I don’t think I’ll ever be the type to walk hand in hand down the street with a man I’m just dating, or introduce him to everyone as more than a friend.  And I’ve dated someone who tried to pressure the issue of introductions and PDA, and that made me feel very uncomfortable.  Needless to say, we eventually didn’t make it.

Here are my suggestions going forward.

  1. Before you make a concrete decision on whether to keep him or dump him, sit down and talk to him. It’s important you get a sense about where his head is at in terms of his sexuality and whether he is ashamed of it, or just wish to his business his business.
  1. Remember, just because someone is discrete with his/her sexuality, doesn’t mean that person is not out of the closet.
  1. Should you decide to stay with this guy, DO NOT PRESSURE him into being the outwardly open person you may want him to be. It is not your job to try to conform him into something he is not ready to be, or may never be.  Pressuring him in this regard will more than likely backfire.

As always nothing but love,


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