My best friend is getting on my last damn nerve lately. She was incredibly supportive when I told her I’m gay, but now her support is a little annoying. Out of nowhere she has started talking to me using gay lingo. It’s like she thought I no longer understood her if she didn’t say things like chile, and hunny, and shady boots. She also keeps trying to set me up with every gay man she knows of, not knowing anything about the guy other than he’s gay. I think the most irritating thing is that she now tries to use me as her own personal gaydar. Every time she dates a new guy, she’s asking me if I think he gets down. So how do I guess check her, without losing a friend or hurting her feelings?
Appreciate the advice,
Thanks for writing to me. When one comes out to his best friend, he is never quite sure how the friend will respond. So I know how good it feels to have your female best friend show her overwhelming support of your sexuality. Unfortunately, it appears your bestie may have gone overboard with the support, mistakenly stereotyped you, and unknowingly made you a “gayccessory.” (A gay accessory so to speak LOL.) If she is your best friend, I’m sure if she thought her recent behavior was annoying you, she would stop.
And look, I think you are completely justified in being irritated a bit by your friend. When outsiders start using phrases originated in the gay community, it can become a little cringe worthy. Sometimes the overuse of “chile” and “hunny” by heterosexuals is like trying to listen to your grandparents use phrases like “thot” and “my woe.” It’s just a bit awkward. However, if you are able to get past the initial weirdness and irritation, I think you will come to realize that your friend just wants to be “down” and be able to relate to you. That’s all!
Now that whole trying to hook you up with every gay man she knows thing, definitely needs to be put in check. I mean my gosh, just because two people are gay doesn’t mean they are qualified to be an instant couple. Your friend, like a lot of folks, assume that homosexuals aren’t discriminate with their taste in men. Simply clarify to your friend that just like she has standards in dating, so do you. I’m sure she wouldn’t date every single hetero man with a pulse, so she should understand where you are coming from.
Oh and before I forget, let your friend know that you are not her personal gaydar. If she wants to know if someone is gay, then she should use her instincts and look for some signs on her own. However, it may be helpful if you give her somewhat of a crash course on what signs to look for, so she doesn’t bother you with this gaydar stuff in the future.
Going forward here are my suggestions.
- Don’t make such a big deal about your friend using the “gay lingo.” Like I said, she is probably attempting to relate to you more, and be cool. If it really bothers you, tell her that she can talk to you normally. That it’s not necessary to change up her speech.
- Make sure you explain to your friend that just because someone is gay, doesn’t make him a match for you. In fact, I recommend you tell her to fall back on the match making for now. And you can tell her this without her hurting her feelings. For example, you could say something like: “So I appreciate the support, but you don’t have to worry about hooking me up with anybody. I got that covered. Unfortunately I don’t think you quite understand my taste.” Then add a laugh at the end of the sentence to lighten up the mood if it’s heavy.
- Again, tell your friend that you can’t be her personal gaydar app. Say something to the effect: “You don’t need me to tell you who is gay and who’s not. You got this girl. Trust your gut.” Then you could give her some pointers on what signs to look for in a gay man. That is if you want to. The latter step can be a little complicated, because you don’t want her walking around making false assumptions.
- Overall, it’s up to you to explain the boundaries of your homosexuality. If you don’t want to be a gaydar, make it clear! If you don’t want to be her new fashion buddy, make it clear! If you don’t want her to change up her vocabulary just for you, make it clear! If you want her to treat you as her friend like she did, before she deemed you her “gay friend,” make it clear! Just set the boundaries!
As always nothing but love,