The Lifestyle

I Hate Me

Dear T,

They say it’s easier to talk to a stranger, so here I am. I’ve been trying to accept myself as gay, but simply can’t. When I think about the family and friends I’ll lose by being gay I just get depressed. I don’t think I can handle being judged and being an outcast. But at the same time, I’m so tired of being in the closet. Seems like everyone is so happy living their straight lives, and I’m just pretending one day at a time. And with each day it gets harder. Lately I’ve been so confused and just mentally drained, that for the first time I understand suicide. Please don’t think I’m crazy, but it’s like suicide is the emergency escape button in life when there seems to be no good options left. I’m not sure what I’m asking advice on, but hoping you can help me.

Sincerely,

Unknown22

Dear Unknown22,

Thanks so much for writing to me. And I sincerely hope my words help you. When I was about 21 years old, I started going through a similar struggle. I noticed my best friends (who are hetero men) appeared to really be living their truth and enjoying life. They talked about which girls they’d been with and which girls they hoped to get. They shared their inner most feelings about the opposite sex.

For a while, I faked the funk when we had these convos and pretended to be into this girl and that girl. But then one day my true self confronted my fake identity and called “bull sh&t!” The true me no longer wanted to be trapped in a dark closet. However, I couldn’t let my true self out. I didn’t know how my friends and family would receive him (me). Plus, I feared what lied for me beyond the grave if I lived my truth. Growing up, I heard the consequence of homosexuality was basically a coach ticket to Hell.

This fear I had of the unknown developed into self hatred. I hated myself for being gay. I hated that no matter how hard I tried to “pray the gay away,” I just couldn’t shake it. I hated not knowing what to do. So I like you, thought about suicide. I remember one day while at home for college thinking “it would be easier to just end it, and not have to worry about it any more.” Well that’s when I literally broke down into tears, and I’m not a crier at all. I had an aha moment with God! He helped me realize that I’m His and I’m loved. That His love is unconditional. And if God can love me no matter what, then so should my family and friends. If they couldn’t accept me for me, then they either needed time to come around, or I needed time to realize the change in season of our relationship. (I don’t know if you’re Christian or not, but this is my story, and so this is how I’ll tell it LOL).

When I finally came out to my mom and my best friends, it wasn’t the easiest. Truthfully my mom didn’t like it and thought it was a phase, and my friends weren’t anymore accepting and thought I had lied to them for the 15 plus years I knew them. However, after I showed them the real me, I felt incredible. I felt this sense of freedom I had never experienced before then. And eventually, love triumphed, and my mom and friends embraced me.

Look, I may not be a fan of Drake, but he is right about one thing. YOLO (you only live once)! You get one shot to be the best possible you in this life, and you will never reach that place if you go through with suicide. You will never reach that place if you continue to reject who you really are either. I encourage you to embrace your gay you.

Going forward here are my suggestions.

1. DON’T COMMIT SUICIDE!!! This is the most important thing I can tell you. If you believe like I do, pray. Talk to God and find out for yourself His real love for you. If you don’t believe (yet), then talk to a licensed therapist. Heck, even if you do believe, you still may want to talk to a therapist.

2. Take your time accepting yourself and learn to love all of you. That’s not something that will happen over night, and will most likely be a journey. But it’s a journey worth taking.

3. Live for you. How people respond to you being gay is beyond your control. Those who love you for you and are able to think beyond the box they put you in will come around and accept the truth you offer them.

4. Remember, everyone’s acceptance story is different. I told you my story, but it may be very different from your own. Yours may be better, may be worse, but it will be your story. If you allow yourself to develop a story at all, that’s something to be proud of.

5. Know that what you’re feeling right now, plenty of people have experienced for themselves. Including me!

As always, nothing but love,
T.

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2 thoughts on “I Hate Me”

    1. According To T says:

      Thanks so much! I’m glad you enjoyed the read. If you know someone this may help, please share!

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