Before You Tell Him “To the Left, To the Left.”

Dear T,

Would you stay with someone if they cheated on you?  I’ve been with this man for 2 years, and last week he told me while he was at this house party with his boys, he let some little young THOT suck his peen.  When I asked him how could he do that, he copped out and blamed it on the liquor and peer pressure.  No lie, a grown ass man gave me the peer pressure excuse.  However, I will say he seemed genuinely sorry and reassured me he would never do this to me again.  I told my friends what happened, and they all told me to dump him.  I just don’t know if I want to do that, because I still really love him.  So please, hook me up with some advice.

Thanks a bunch,

John Doe13

Dear John,

Thanks for writing to me.  Cheating is an issue that impacts romantic relationships more often than we’d like to think.  And no matter how you dice it, being cheated on sucks.  It leaves you feeling hurt and betrayed by a person you trusted and love.  Notice I said “trusted and love.”  While you may have lost trust in your significant other, you don’t instantly stop loving him.  AND THAT’S OKAY!

Look, cheating is not necessarily a deal breaker for a relationship in my opinion.  So while your trust is broken, if there is love still present don’t be so callous and ready to throw the relationship away.  I know friends will hype your head up and tell you things like, “oh I wouldn’t take that if I were you,” or “kick that man to the curb,” or “you deserve better.”  However, they are your friends and attempting to support you.  Unfortunately, they may not fully understand the dynamics of the relationship with your partner.  They just know your partnership from your perspective, so they are unable to see the whole picture.

I’m sure you don’t want to believe it, but more than likely you played a part in your boyfriend’s cheating.  While you didn’t give him permission to cheat, or put the boy’s mouth on your boyfriend’s penis, you probably played a slight role.  Perhaps you’ve gotten too comfortable in the bedroom, and sex between you two has become a bit too routine.  Or maybe you’ve been busy with work and other things, and you haven’t provided your partner with the intimacy and attention he requires or is used to.  The only way for you to know your role in this hiccup in your relationship is if you and your partner have an open and honest conversation.

Going forward are my usual suggestions.

  1. Have a face to face sit down with your boyfriend and have a deep conversation about why he really cheated. Don’t allow him to cop out and blame his infidelity on alcohol and peer pressure.  And please don’t accept him saying anything close to “I don’t know why I cheated, it just happened.”  He owes you a REAL explanation if you two are going to repair trust and rebuild.  If he can’t give it to you, then he may lack the maturity to stay in this relationship.
  1. Keep an open-mind. If he comes clean about why he cheated, be prepared to receive that information.  And be prepared to accept your role in this situation.
  1. Going forward in this relationship, or future relationships, don’t be so eager to tell your friends everything your partner does that is wrong. It makes it hard for your friends to like your partner and support your continued involvement with him.  Plus, the more people you tell the details of your relationship to, the more people you include in a partnership that was meant for two.
  1. If you are someone that has a hard time forgiving, and will truthfully never be able to trust your boyfriend again, BREAK UP! You will be happier single, than if you were in an insecure relationship.  Ask him why he cheated to get closure, then move on.
  1. While I did say you more than likely played a role in his cheating, sometimes people in relationships cheat because of issues that have nothing to do with their partner. Such issues could include sex addictions, inability to be monogamous because of past incidents, etc.  Should your boyfriend turn out to fall in this category of individuals, unless he is willing to seek help from a pastor and/or professional, I think you should chuck up the deuces and leave him.

As always, nothing but love,


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