I don’t know what it is, but I can’t find a man. I haven’t been in a relationship going on 4 years now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on dates since my last relationship. But the guys I’ve gone on dates with wound up being a quick fling, or a complete waste of time. And I’ve tried meeting guys everywhere. I’ve tried bars, clubs, house parties, and even created profiles on stuff like Grindr, A4A, and Jack’d. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but do you think you could give me some tips on how to land a boo?
I’m Fine Alone, But Damn
Thanks for writing to me. Finding a great guy to develop a great relationship with is not an easy task. You date man after man, hoping one of them will be this prince charming guy Disney made you believe existed. However, with each bad date, you become more and more discouraged and frustrated about finding a boo. And no matter how many times you tell the world you are fine and happy being single, a large part of you still desires a mate. Listen I get it. I’ve been there. The important thing is not to give up on finding real love, and I’m glad you haven’t yet. Now make sure you catch this next part.
Dating starts with you! It may be time for you to take a deeper look at yourself. Self-evaluation is an important tool, and I suggest you utilize it to figure out some things. Use it to figure out why you are attracting these guys only interested in flings. Use it to figure out why you are attracted to a certain type of guy. Use it to figure out what it must be like dating you. Are you difficult to date? You may even want to use it to figure out what you did wrong in your last relationship to cause it to end. And hey, if you need to go to therapy to help you with self-evaluation, GO! There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. All that matters is that you are able to look within, and figure out the changes you need to make in order to change your dating pattern.
Going forward here are my suggestions.
- Again, take some time to do some self-evaluation. I know it’s been four years since your last relationship, but it’s important for you to do so you can find a good guy to develop a quality relationship with.
- Try dating outside your comfort zone. If you only date tall men, then lower your height requirement. If you only date black guys, try fishing in the multicultural pond. If you only date people around your age, try widening your age range. The point is, open up your mind to different possibilities. You may not have met Mr. Right because you’ve set up these “road blocks” in dating, preventing him from getting to you.
- While I’m not saying you can’t start a relationship on apps like Grindr and Jack’d, be cautious with your expectations with those things. I’d say more than half of the people on those sites are on there just to find someone to have sex with. These people aren’t interested in building relationships, they just want to “bust a nut.” I’d stick to searching in bars, clubs, and house parties. Also, I’ve noticed different chat rooms and groups developing across GroupMe, Facebook, and other social platforms. You may be able to find someone in those groups if you have access.
- Don’t be quick to give up the “nookie or the cookie.” While I don’t necessarily advocate the Steve Harvey 90 day rule, I do think holding out forces you and a prospect to get to know each other to see if you’re compatible for a relationship.
- Don’t be too proud to be set up on a date. If you have a friend that says he knows a guy you might be interested in, hear the friend out. If the person is your friend, then he or she probably have an idea of who may be a good fit for you.
As always, nothing but love.