I Didn’t Sign Up for the Extra Weight

Dear T,

Over the years my boyfriend has really gotten out of shape. I don’t understand how someone could let themselves go like this. When we first met he was ripped and chiseled. Now he’s sporting a beer gut. I’m no longer attracted to him but I don’t want to break his heart. What should I do?


No Fats No Fems


Well thanks for writing,

It sounds like you are discovering that relationship weight is a real thing.  So often people find themselves in a relationship gaining 10 plus pounds in their first year.   That number simply increases as time goes by. If you look in the mirror or try putting on some pants you haven’t worn in a while, I’m sure you will notice you too put on a few pounds.  Even if it’s not as many as 10.

There are several factors that contribute to the relationship weight gain.  For example, time usually spent for one’s workout is now spent cuddling up on the couch or in the bed snacking with the boo.  Also, some people feel since they have their man, they can slack off on healthy eating and working out.  These people come from the Musiq Soulchild school of thought, as long as their love “Dontchange,” then everything will be alright.  Plus, there is the simple factor that frequently food is used in relationships as an expression of love.  People begin cooking for one another to show they care, but opt to achieve the best taste rather than the healthiest choice.

What is a little alarming to me about your question, is that you seem to have given up on your boyfriend.  If you really love him, but just find your attraction for him fading due to the extra weight, talk to him.  You don’t need to say “you’re getting fat and unattractive, so I’m out.”  You could say something like, “Babe, I’ve noticed we put on a few pounds lately.  For the sake of our health and our wallets, because I’m sure we’re both tired of spending money on buying bigger sized clothes, let’s try to lose some weight.”  Something like that makes it sound like you two are in the same boat and trying to get out of it.  Be supportive and help him lose the weight.  If your boyfriend is a good guy, and again if you love him, don’t throw the relationship away on such a superficial and fixable issue.

Going forward are my usual suggestions.

  1. Sign up for a gym together. But don’t just sign up.  Schedule some time 4-5 times a week when you two can go to the gym together as well.  A couple that workout together, gets fit together.


  1. Start cooking healthy meals for one another. If neither one of you cook, then start getting healthy takeout.


  1. If you can afford it, plan on taking a beach trip two months from now. Trust me, people find extra motivation to workout knowing they will soon have to walk on a beach with no shirt.


  1. Stop using “no fats no fems” as a nickname, handle, or expression. I get everyone has a preference of who they are attracted to, but some things you can leave unsaid not to be offensive.

As always, nothing but love.

Best Regards,


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One thought on “I Didn’t Sign Up for the Extra Weight”

  1. No fats no fems says:

    I’ll try your advice man

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