Dating

Your Job When Dating is NOT to Play Therapist

I read your passage on “maybe you’re the reason you’re single” and I definitely agree with all you’re saying. You absolutely get back what you put in. You don’t attract what you want but attract what you are, makes total sense. What I want to pick your brain on is why I attract men in committed relationships?

I am 26 and have never been in a committed relationship, and I never really get past the “talking” phase. Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s mutual. I’ve been working on myself a lot.  I’m often referred to as extremely positive, bubbly, always smiling.  I make people feel good and I’ve accepted that often times I attract “broken people”.  I’ve fallen into the habit of helping or fixing everyone I come in contact with, and it really helps them but leaves me drained.  Perhaps that has something to do with why I’m attracting these committed guys.

I’ve been working on my visualization and affirmations and I meditate often focusing on the life I want with who I want and I meet these incredible guys.  Men who are so ideal to what I picture for myself, until they tell me they’re married or have a girlfriend. I have a history with men who do not want to commit and now I’m meeting people who are capable and willing to commit except they’ve done so already with someone else.

These things normally end in me giving them advice and helping them see that they are only wanting to be with me because something isn’t right in their marriage and they need to go to their wives and figure out what’s missing. I’m glad to help if that’s my journey but it breaks my heart because they really are good people deep down and it’s like I’m attracting the right man, now, just ones that aren’t available to me. Idk. Do you have any thoughts on why this keeps happening and what I could do to attract good single men?

-NW

relationships

My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Showing the Goods on Instagram

Hi Tavion,
Nice site. I’m a fan of the advice you give. It’s good advice but not too harsh. Anyway, hoping you can help me to figure out what to do with my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I’m competing with all of Instagram. I get that he’s really proud of his body transformation, but why does he have to post his body so much? At first I didn’t mind, but now I’m starting to feel some type of way. Like he can’t save some stuff for my eyes only. Everyone one doesn’t need to see what he looks like in underwear and what his print looks like. We are in a committed relationship and if he’s committed to me, why does he need to advertise for someone else? I don’t care what he says about it being for the sake of leg day pics or whatever, it’s inviting thots to blow up his inbox. By the way, I’ve asked him to chill with those kind of posts, and he kind of brushed me off. Told me I have nothing to worry about. Anyway, what do I here short of backhanding him and reporting all his photos on Instagram?
Thanks,
No Prude But

Dating

His Number of Instagram Followers Makes Me Cautious to Date Him

T,

I’m going to share with you my problem, but I’m hoping you don’t judge me too harshly. So I’m trying to talk to this guy I met at a party over MLK Weekend. When we met, we just really vibed.  Not to mention, he is sexy. The body, the voice, he’s just got himself put together.  Since meeting, we’ve been texting and talking on the phone. It’s been great.  That is until we decided to follow each other on Instagram.   This guy has like 20,000 followers which kind of bothers me.  He doesn’t own a small business, he’s not an entertainer, he doesn’t model, and he’s not a personal trainer.  In my head, I’m like why in the hell does he have that many followers?

I keep thinking that a guy with that many followers has a lot of hoes in his DM, and I refuse to be a person in his hoe-tation. My best friend told me I’m overthinking the situation, but I’d hate to talk more and more to this guy, date him, and then get in a relationship with him, only to find out I’ve been competing with other guys on social media. What are your thoughts?

-Lite Brite Rob

The Lifestyle

Slavery Is Bigger than Libya… What You Can Do to Help Stop It

By now, most of you have been caught up to speed on the human rights violations occurring in Libya.  If you were anything like me, you found yourself confused by the reporting.  First, you couldn’t quite comprehend how slavery is an ongoing issue in 2017.  Second, you are in sheer disbelief that such a crime against humanity could have gone unreported for such a long time.  Especially, when you have news alerts going off on your phone multiple times a day and most of those alerts are related to Trump’s Twitter fingers. (Seriously, it’s gotten to the point where I get an alert from CNN and I’m like “what did he say now?”)

Again, if you were like me, once you moved past your state of confusion and frustration, you wanted answers on how to stop the problem. You wanted to know what organizations to call and donate money to.  You wanted to bombard Capitol Hill to force congressmen and women to stop talking about tax codes and loopholes, and start talking about American intervention.  Heck, some of you with a deep pocket and time to spare may have wanted to hop on the next flight abroad and be your own Batman-esque vigilante. The bottom line, some of you like me wanted to do more than hashtag activism.

Dating

Getting Back in the Dating Game in this Day and Age

Tavion,

I’m an older gent, single now for over 3 years. I had a really bad break up with a man I thought was my soulmate. We dated 6 for years. He was a couple years younger than I am.

I’m writing because ever since the break-up, there have been a plethora of younger men interested and bold enough to chase after me. I’m recently 46, but there have been younger men from early 30’s down to 19 declaring interest in me. This new dating scene is something to behold! My DMs across a few social media platforms have all been messaged and it’s not limited to race.

I recognize that I do not look my age as most black folks don’t. I’m just not sure what the appeal is. Not sure how to handle the attention. And really not sure why men my own age seem to be aloof, disinterested, confused and not sure what they want.

These younger fellas seem to know what they’re after, successful, intelligent, thoughtful and complete packages. But they also want to party every weekend and drink. That is no longer a life I wish to have. I’d like to settle down, cuddle and quietly build an empire. But everything I look to on all sides seems unstable.

What are good dating tips that could lead to something long term on either side of these fences I’m seeing? I’m ready to date/court, but, I don’t want to be some fling or ‘experience to see what it’s like’ either.

I hope all this makes sense.

Sincerely,

A Grey Existence

The Lifestyle

Your Dreams are Bigger than the Pettiness and Shade!

I putting out a challenge for personal elevation. Stop concerning yourself with every person that throws you shade. Let go of your pressing desire to return petty for petty.  And please do yourself a favor, and tap into your ability to turn the other cheek.  I’ve come to learn, that sometimes in your effort to seek revenge against someone you think that has wronged you, you are mostly likely accomplishing two things.  One, you’ll be wasting time.  The time you spend plotting and scheming on someone, is time you won’t ever get back.  It could be better spent on your dreams and hustles, but instead you will be giving it someone that won’t contribute to your bank account or happiness. Second, when you seek out revenge, you are allowing whoever wronged you to further consume your energy.  You give them expressed permission and consent to continue to antagonize you.  Not to mention, you prop them up to a position in your life they don’t need to have.

relationships

Social Media Posts and Relationships

Hey T,

Not sure if you’ve answered this question before and I missed it, but I’m going to ask. I’m not necessarily in a relationship, but dating and hoping to get in one soon.  Not that I mind being technically single, I just want my bae.  Anyway, me and my God brother, who does have a man, were talking about how upset he gets about his boyfriend being on Instagram and Snapchat.  Not that he’s on the apps, but that he’s always posting body pics.  He started working out heavy about 5 months ago, and I’ll admit he definitely bulked up something fine.  So now I guess he likes showing off his progress.  He’s posted his arms, back, chest, and even legs.  Although, he had to stop with the leg pics because my God brother went off about him posting pics in his underwear.  I tried to tell him that posting pics aren’t that big deal, but he’s convinced that folks will DM his man and that will lead to cheating.

Meanwhile, my God brother vents often vents on Instagram whenever he and his boo have an argument.  I told him to stop that, but he is stubborn and doesn’t listen. Bringing this around to why I wrote you.  How do you think social media should play a role in relationships? Looking forward to hearing from you.

From,

Jimmy Jones 93

The Lifestyle

Sometimes a Hello Is Just a Hello

As crazy as it may sound, it’s becoming harder and harder these days just to be nice.  At times it seems as if no one believes a man or a woman can show common courtesy and be polite without having ulterior motives.  If you tell a person “oh you look great, where did you get that shirt”, that somehow means you’re throwing a subtle dig at him for his appearance.   Or if you return a hello, then that low key means you want a person in the most romantic of ways. It’s like you can’t be a pleasant and enjoyable person, without your behavior being misconstrued.

Dating

Don’t Waste Time Being Jealous, Focus on Being a Better You

In this day and age when people broadcast their life on a daily basis across Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat, I find more folks living their lives through a green lens. I mean people are in a constant state of envy because the stories and pictures they come across showing ripped bodies, great jobs, picturesque relationships, and overall “fabulous” lives.  And before you convince yourself that you’ve never been the envious type, think about those times you came across a profile and said, “Oh he got a few muscles now and thinks he’s the sexiest thing out here.”  Or maybe you’ve been one to ask “How is he in a relationship, and I’m not?”  Or perhaps you’ve thought on occasion, “How is it that I’m working my ass off, barely making it and stressed, and he’s over there happy and balling out of control?” It’s easy for anyone to be a little green from time to time.  However, no one should go through life always jealous of others.