I feel low. My sister has this friend who I’ll call Ari for the sake of this letter. The weekend before Thanksgiving we all went to another friend’s Friendsgiving, and that’s where I met Ari’s new boyfriend. I’ll admit that when I first saw him, I thought he was fine fine. But because he’s Ari man and I thought he was “straight” I just let it go. Unfortunately, the liquor kept flowing that night and this guy kept flirting with me on the low, and I’ll admit I kept flirting with him. Nothing happened that night.
A week after Friendsgiving, I get a new friend and DM on Instagram. This guy sent me the one message telling me it was nice to meet me and that I should add him on Snapchat. Snapchat is where it popped off. The messages we exchanged got flirty again, and that’s when we started sending pics back and forth. Once I saw the meat, I knew I was going to forget about Ari, and that’s what happened. We agreed he’d come over and we had sex. It was good too. At least that’s what I thought.
Since that night we hooked up, I haven’t heard from him. He hasn’t responded to my messages on Snapchat, and the message he sent on Instagram has been removed by him. He ghosted me. Not only do I feel a way about him disappearing on me, but I feel so damn guilty for sleeping with my sister’s friend’s man. Ari is cool, and even though she’s my sister’s bff, I’m friends with her too. I want to tell my sister about what happened and even Ari, because I feel they should know what kind of man this guy is. But I don’t know. What do you think?
Attention my fellow millennials. I clearly wrote this post with you all in mind. As a millennial myself, I feel completely qualified in criticizing the mistakes our generation makes when it comes to dating. Well, with first dates in particular. While I’m sure I could compile a list of more than five things, I think the following is sufficient. And like always, please remember my platform is meant to help not hurt. So let’s get started.
Nice site. I’m a fan of the advice you give. It’s good advice but not too harsh. Anyway, hoping you can help me to figure out what to do with my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I’m competing with all of Instagram. I get that he’s really proud of his body transformation, but why does he have to post his body so much? At first I didn’t mind, but now I’m starting to feel some type of way. Like he can’t save some stuff for my eyes only. Everyone one doesn’t need to see what he looks like in underwear and what his print looks like. We are in a committed relationship and if he’s committed to me, why does he need to advertise for someone else? I don’t care what he says about it being for the sake of leg day pics or whatever, it’s inviting thots to blow up his inbox. By the way, I’ve asked him to chill with those kind of posts, and he kind of brushed me off. Told me I have nothing to worry about. Anyway, what do I here short of backhanding him and reporting all his photos on Instagram?
No Prude But
I’m going to share with you my problem, but I’m hoping you don’t judge me too harshly. So I’m trying to talk to this guy I met at a party over MLK Weekend. When we met, we just really vibed. Not to mention, he is sexy. The body, the voice, he’s just got himself put together. Since meeting, we’ve been texting and talking on the phone. It’s been great. That is until we decided to follow each other on Instagram. This guy has like 20,000 followers which kind of bothers me. He doesn’t own a small business, he’s not an entertainer, he doesn’t model, and he’s not a personal trainer. In my head, I’m like why in the hell does he have that many followers?
I keep thinking that a guy with that many followers has a lot of hoes in his DM, and I refuse to be a person in his hoe-tation. My best friend told me I’m overthinking the situation, but I’d hate to talk more and more to this guy, date him, and then get in a relationship with him, only to find out I’ve been competing with other guys on social media. What are your thoughts?
-Lite Brite Rob
In this day and age when people broadcast their life on a daily basis across Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat, I find more folks living their lives through a green lens. I mean people are in a constant state of envy because the stories and pictures they come across showing ripped bodies, great jobs, picturesque relationships, and overall “fabulous” lives. And before you convince yourself that you’ve never been the envious type, think about those times you came across a profile and said, “Oh he got a few muscles now and thinks he’s the sexiest thing out here.” Or maybe you’ve been one to ask “How is he in a relationship, and I’m not?” Or perhaps you’ve thought on occasion, “How is it that I’m working my ass off, barely making it and stressed, and he’s over there happy and balling out of control?” It’s easy for anyone to be a little green from time to time. However, no one should go through life always jealous of others.
In this day and age, I’ve noticed that being bold can earn you a bad reputation. Somehow knowing what you want in a mate and pursuing that, will have people calling you desperate. Or maybe thirsty. Which is a bit crazy if you ask me.
Good morning folks. I decided to take a minute to talk about true friendship. I know most of us think we learned what a real friend is when we were kids. However, in a day and age of social media, and so many claiming to be hurt by friends on a routine basis, I think it’s worth making the distinction again.
Back in high school, my dad taught me a very important lesson. He told me, “in life you will only have a hand full of friends, but many associates.” Also, he stressed the importance of me not confusing the two. Honestly, that was the best advice he’s ever given me. Listening to those words of wisdom has prevented me from trusting too many people and repeatedly getting hurt by people I call friends.
For clarity sakes, I would define a friend as a person that you trust with your tears, brings about some cheers, and alleviates your fears. It’s a person that is equally invested in supporting and loving you, as you are them. An associate as my dad puts it, or better yet an acquaintance, is someone you never go deep with, nor is there a mutual expectation or desire to do so. You two only share surface information about what another, and keep it light and fun. (You sharing all your business, and a person telling you relatively nothing about his life, is not mutual.) A quote puts the difference between friends and acquaintances this way:
“An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a true friend has your best interests at heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear.”
I almost hate that Facebook calls everybody that you add or adds you a “friend.” I mean that simply is not true. A person just doesn’t have over 2,000 friends. He or she doesn’t confide and trust in that many people. Nor do that many people confide and trust in him. Heck if I’m to be completely honest, I have some people on Facebook right now that I don’t even really know. Most Facebook “friends” are NOT your friends people! That goes for followers on Twitter, Instagram, and the Snap.
And just like romantic relationships, friendships need to be nurtured. I’m not saying friends need to necessarily see each other all the time, and be on the phone every day. Heck my own friends can attest to the fact that I’m not the person to necessarily talk to you Monday through Sunday. However, in nurturing a friendship, it’s important for people to set aside time in their busy schedule to at least send a message every now and then to check in on a compadre. To make sure a person is doing alright. Regardless of whether or not friends talk daily, real friends both have a sense that if either needed the other, he’d be there.
Friendships also may have to be reevaluated from time to time. Two people that consider themselves to be friends should be in a equally beneficial arrangement. That means one person shouldn’t always be draining the other of time, resources, and energy. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants a friend that always complains, does nothing but take, and exudes nothing but negative energy.
Look, I have days where I’m not going to be sunshine and rainbows (no pun intended). And during those times, I may need a friend to pray for me, send positive vibes, and lift me up a bit. I can’t turn to a constant Debbie Downer for that support. He can’t possibly give it to me. That one-side relationship would drive me crazy. I refuse to always be there for someone else, and he never be there for me.
To be honest, friendship is like a bank account you share with another person. If you are the only one depositing money and the other person is always withdrawing, you’d be pissed. Trust and believe, your positive energy, time, and support is much like currency. So get pissed and reevaluate your friendship if you’re the only one lending the supportive listening ear, words of wisdom, or time.
Oh and if your friend can’t ever support you striving for better, that isn’t a friend worth having either. I understand change is not the easiest for some people to digest; but, if you are trying to elevate your career or overall life, and a person can’t support you in your efforts to do that, hit the “reevaluate button.” If you can’t go to the club and bar as much because you have to study, and a person doesn’t understand that, hit the button. If a person tells you your dreams are impossible to reach, hit the button. (Now if your dream is to win The Voice, and you can’t, don’t hit the button. Listen to the friend. LOL!) Just use discernment. And if you don’t have good discernment, ask God for some.
In short, I just want people to save themselves some heartache by simply watching who they consider a friend. Associate or acquaintance is not a bad word, and you can call people that. They shouldn’t be offended, and you shouldn’t be afraid to say it. Once you make the distinction between the people around you, you may get out of the habit of telling all your business to the wrong people. Or expecting so much from folks that you mistakenly classified as friends.
Quick and simple question. Do you think it’s a bad idea to inbox your MCM? My friends think if I were to do it, that I’m being super thirsty. But I don’t seem the harm. Not like I’m sending nudes or anything. Thoughts?
-One Life to Live
Would you be comfortable with your boyfriend constantly posting pictures of himself half naked on Instagram? My boo of 3 years has recently got pretty ripped, and is constantly placing his body on display. I get that he is proud of his hard work and dedication, but some of the comments under his picture have me feeling some type of way. Women and men are saying how much they want to have him in bed, or do things with him I rather not repeat. He tells me I just need to ignore the comments and know that he only wants me. However, I can’t help but to feel a little insecure. I really want him to stop with the pictures. I may have him, but don’t want to lose him. What should I do here?
A Little Sick and A Little Tired