Dating

Single, Ready to Mingle, BUT Men Aren’t Checking for Me

 Hey T,

I’m writing to get some honest insight about casual relationships, dating, and why it seems to be difficult to get any kind of attention even with the right credentials, pedigree, personality, and the like. In more simplistic terms is it: Is it me? Or is it the dating environment that I am in?

To provide some context, I’m in my mid-20s, highly educated, am kind and attentive, funny, and love to have fun with others. However, I have found that having these redeeming traits seems not to matter much when it comes to talking with many men. I came to this observation by living in Washington D.C., and currently living in Atlanta.

When I was living in Washington D.C., I had a friend that conveyed something in a conversation that still appears to hold true. He told me that when dating other men, or even trying to casually engage on a sexual level, they don’t care about how kind I am or what type of credentials I have. They also upon first glance, don’t care about what you bring to the table. Or to put if the way he put it, “a degree won’t make you dateable.” Ultimately, he said that “what really matters is the body, how masculine you present, and how you put yourself together.”

In the few years since that conversation (and our friendship ending), I tried dating and seeking casual encounters not listening to the commentary. However, I have only been able to date successfully one time. As far as casual encounters go, nothing has materialized from the usual culprits of Jack’d and Grindr, or in-person meetings. Jack’d and Grindr are sources of frustration, purely because of the personalities I seem to encounter. Plus being stood-up seems to be a common thing for me (it’s so common that I know to order a drink within 15 minutes and go on my merry way by 30). In-person meetings, when they happen, seem to be very one-sided and often times, most men are disinterested. I demonstrate my interest, yet I never get their number or hear from them again.

It’s jarring, because I’m young, I want to have fun, and I want to be able to enjoy men and their essence. Yet, the well has been dry for a few years. I also have been told by female friends that I’m by no stretch “ugly.” But, I’m starting to believe what that “friend” told me some years ago. Living in Atlanta, the Mecca of gay black men, I have been incapable of finding any sexual partners or romantic interests, period. Disclosing this to one of my friends, he said: “wait, what… how?”

Could be possible that because I’m not in the best shape (I’m team thick), not masculine (I’m more of in the middle), and have an eccentric style, no man wants no parts of me? If that is the case, would it make sense if I (or “masc it up”) and get into model shape to start making myself more appealing?  Am I bugging?

Once again, I’d appreciate your honest evaluation of this.

Signed,

Quarter Life Drought

Dating

Your Job When Dating is NOT to Play Therapist

I read your passage on “maybe you’re the reason you’re single” and I definitely agree with all you’re saying. You absolutely get back what you put in. You don’t attract what you want but attract what you are, makes total sense. What I want to pick your brain on is why I attract men in committed relationships?

I am 26 and have never been in a committed relationship, and I never really get past the “talking” phase. Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s mutual. I’ve been working on myself a lot.  I’m often referred to as extremely positive, bubbly, always smiling.  I make people feel good and I’ve accepted that often times I attract “broken people”.  I’ve fallen into the habit of helping or fixing everyone I come in contact with, and it really helps them but leaves me drained.  Perhaps that has something to do with why I’m attracting these committed guys.

I’ve been working on my visualization and affirmations and I meditate often focusing on the life I want with who I want and I meet these incredible guys.  Men who are so ideal to what I picture for myself, until they tell me they’re married or have a girlfriend. I have a history with men who do not want to commit and now I’m meeting people who are capable and willing to commit except they’ve done so already with someone else.

These things normally end in me giving them advice and helping them see that they are only wanting to be with me because something isn’t right in their marriage and they need to go to their wives and figure out what’s missing. I’m glad to help if that’s my journey but it breaks my heart because they really are good people deep down and it’s like I’m attracting the right man, now, just ones that aren’t available to me. Idk. Do you have any thoughts on why this keeps happening and what I could do to attract good single men?

-NW