relationships

How Do I Get Over My Husband Cheating on Me?

Hi T,

I just found your website when I’m looking for an answer on forgiveness for my husband. Me and my husband are in a long-distance relationship for more than a year. I’m working in Vietnam right now due to my job requirement. If the corona virus didn’t come, we would see each other in March already.

Since the pandemic exploded, Vietnam has locked down the international airport.  And that is how my marriage is falling apart. My husband recently has a new lesbian friend. At first, I learned that she had problems with her girlfriend, so my husband hung out with her and give her advice. I only knew about her through my husband words, never really seen her face. But this July,  I found her Facebook when I was surfing it…and what happened next ruined my soul completely.

I found her profile’s pics taken with my husband…with status says how much she loves him. Here, you might think that my husband lied about her sexuality, but the truth is she did have a girlfriend, I just can’t be sure if they are still together or not. That day, I felt like I was broken into pieces. I called my husband in the middle of the night, I asked him but he said she just did that to gain her girlfriend’s attention. Like an instinct, I kept asking him if they had sex. He kept saying why do I have to know things that would hurt me. But I said I would leave him if he didn’t tell me the truth and let me find out by myself. He then confessed that they did have sex.

My husband is the only man that I’ve ever loved in my life. I met him when I was 23, he is my first and last (I believed so). I have loved him more and more every single day. I dreamed of us soon having babies. When I knew about the affair. Everything seemed to collapse in front of me. To be honest, I was hurt so badly, the pain is stilling killing every piece of me every single day…but, my husband cried. He told me that at first they was drunk but then, he was just so lonely and they were just friends with benefits.

He said he loves me and he would kill himself if I left him and that I’m his everything. He said people make mistake and he can’t explain why he did what he did, but he never stops loving me. He didn’t want me to find out about the affair that way. He already ended that “fling” a while ago because he couldn’t take the guilty feelings every time he looked at me. That fling just last for 2 months with a few times sex. When I found out, he told that girl to take all the pictures down because that was not their deal and those pics should just be sent to her girlfriend only.

When I wrote this letter to you, I already told my husband that I forgave him. This is all because even when I’m in pain, I rather let myself suffer it alone than keep haunting him for what already done. I love my husband more than the pain that he caused, that’s why I chose to let things go. But what my husband didn’t know is that I still have nightmare every single night and I can’t stop myself from imagining the way he kissed her and the way they had sex. Can you tell me what do I have to do to get over the pain and to get rid of those imaginations? I don’t want my husband to keep punishing himself, I comfort him but I can’t stop myself from being haunted by what he did.

-Amelia

 

relationships

He Sent Nudes to Over 100 People Before We Got Together

Hello,

I need advice on how to get over/get my mind off of something that my boyfriend did before we were dating.

My boyfriend of five months just recently told me that he has sent nudes (pictures and videos) to over 100 people. This is in a span of a few years before we have been together, up to right before we started getting serious. He told me this less than a week ago, and it’s something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It is changing the way I view him and act toward him.

I knew he had sent nudes in the past. Right when we became ‘official, he scrolled past a folder in his phone that had countless nude pictures and videos of other men. He deleted the folder and I trust that he is not sending nudes anymore. The thing that bothers me most is that: 1) so many people have seen such a sensitive part of him, 2) if he sent it to that many people, odds are that there is some content of him online and still in the hands of many people, and 3) these people still follow him on social media, know who I am from his posts, and know that we are together.

I have never been one to openly send nudes to people, so I just don’t understand why he would want to do that to so many, even when single. The other day even, I scrolled past a nude photo of someone I don’t know on Twitter, and it turns out he has exchanged nudes with that person. That made it settle in for me how many people I might or might not come in contact with, that has seen him like that.

I really want to continue this relationship. He makes me happy, he is patient and understanding with me and I believe I can trust him. I want to continue this relationship, but I don’t want to keep being miserable and keep thinking about how many people he has sent nudes to.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated

-Tucker

Dating

In Love with a Roommate Who Wants Someone Else

Hi T,

Here’s the situation. I was dealing with a guy that I had strong feelings for. He didn’t have as deep of a connection for me as I did him. We talked and we became friends, very good platonic friends. A few months later we become roommates. I moved into his home renting a room. Things are great, I’ve had my overnight company, a friend visiting from out of town.

Recently, he’s started having a local consistent friend stay overnight. For whatever reason, I’ve become bothered by this. I don’t know why. We were never together. In hindsight, I can acknowledge that. I openly accept that he and I aren’t supposed to be together. He has had people come over, they did whatever they did, and they’d leave. I don’t know why I’m feeling bothered by my friend finding someone he can spend time with consistently. Can you help me process this?

Confused AF

relationships

I Found Out My Aunt Has Been Dating My Ex for Two Years

Hi, I really need some advice. I just figured out my aunt has been dating my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years. I don’t think either of them knows that I’m her niece. This guy I was almost engaged to and I had helped him pick a house out that now my aunt is going to live in. It’s been 10 years and we only broke up because my uncle who I lived with at the time told my ex whopper lies. I’m so hurt and I just don’t know what to do? How do I tell my aunt without wanting to punch her and scream at her?

-Brandy

relationships

I Suggested the Open Relationship, and He Got a Woman Pregnant

T,

I need some advice about a weird and frustrating problem I’m dealing with. Basically me and my boyfriend are in an open relationship while my job has me on the other side of the country for nine months.  My boyfriend is legit bisexual, and I know sometimes he may crave something I don’t have. So while we’re in the open relationship, I told him it was okay if he hooked up with women. Also, even though we agreed I could top men only, I haven’t done it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with anyone. Well now this whole open relationship idea, which was kind of my suggestion, bit me in the ass.

Last week I found out from my boyfriend that a woman he slept with is pregnant. I’m still shook by the news. I’m mad he knocked a woman and I’m mad he was out here not being careful. My boyfriend apologized and told me he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me. He pretty much begged me not leave him. I’m just not sure I can do this situation. I love him and thought about us having kids one day, but not like this.

What would you do if you were me?

-Is This Endgame

relationships

My Boyfriend is White, and Doesn’t Get Why I’m So Mad

Dear T,

While I love my man, we’ve recently come into a problem I’m not sure how to feel about. In light of what’s been happening with Gucci and Prada and their blackface controversies, my boyfriend and I recently had a conversation about it. Before I go any further you should know that I’m black and my boyfriend is white. The reason I guess that matters is because he basically told me he understands white people dressing in blackface is wrong, and he would never do it, but thought people may be overreacting to Gucci and Prada designs. He thinks the companies had designers who were just designing, and had no racist intentions behind their designs.

I responded to him by telling him that may be true, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the designs are offensive. I told him the black community has every right to be offended and boycott the labels. He responded that not everything has to be about black and white, which really pissed me off. As much as I love my boyfriend, I’m disappointed in his attitude about this. He’s not racist clearly, but damn it. Even though we agreed to disagree, I’m still salty. I guess the question I have is how do I get him to see that what Gucci and Prada did is a big deal? Heck, how do I now not look at him differently?

Thanks,

Mike & Ike 95

friendship

How Do you Tell Your Best Friend The Guy He’s Seeing is NO Good?

Dear Tavion,

The problem I’m having lately is with my best friend and the guy he’s been dating.  See my best friend is one of the sweetest guys in the world. He’ll do anything for you, is always there when you need him, and always tries to see the good in people.  Me on the other hand, I’m not so trusting of people, and I’m definitely not so trusting of my friend’s man.  My gut tells me this guy is using my friend.  From what my friend tells me, every time he and this guy go out, my friend always pays.  The guy doesn’t even offer.  I also found out that my friend recently paid for this guy’s phone bill. I want to scream to my friend he’s being stupid and probably being used because he has some money, but my friend can be sensitive sometimes. Last time I tried to tell him about a man he was seeing, he got upset and we didn’t speak for a few days.  Keep in mind that I was actually right. How do I handle this situation this go around?

-Philly Tommy

relationships

My Boyfriend No Longer Wants Me to Go On His Friends’ Vacation

Hi

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about six months. We met on holiday and jumped straight into a serious relationship. A week before my birthday he invited me to go interrailing with him and a couple of his friends. I was delighted, but unsure of the logistics as I am only 17 and he and his friends are 18.

He has now uninvited me which really hurt my feelings. I don’t think he should have asked me if he wasn’t sure and I tried to tell him how it really upset me but he didn’t seem to be that understanding. What should I do?

-Uninvited

relationships

If the Relationship Is No Longer Working for You, You Can Leave

Hello T,

Nice work here, and talking to you is like talking to a big bro.  Ok that being said, I am a top guy and I am in love with this guy crazily and I know he loves me back in ways I can’t recant. I would say we are perfectly made in heaven for each other.  When we are together I feel like nothing else matters.  We met 6 years ago and he was straight and he wanted to explore the gay side and that’s when we got together. Since then, we’ve done everything together. We have built our lives together like a married couple. But about a month ago he invited his ex-girlfriend home, and one thing led into another and they had sex in the night while I was asleep.

To cut the long story short, ever since that one night of sex, a relationship has been born between them.  Like she comes over virtually every week and he has introduced her to everyone around as his girlfriend.  They talk about things that signals marriage in the long run, but he tells me he only likes her but loves me. He says she is a public cover because of the environment we come from typically African. Right now, I am confused and I feel broken.  I feel like a square peg that has been forced into a round hole. He feels he doesn’t have a future with me beyond this. T, I can’t find words anymore but I just hope you get the picture. I think of going out to have my own share of it all but that would signal payback………

-Karibi

The Lifestyle

I’m Single and Don’t Want to Be…Where Is My Bae?

Hello Tavion,

Please help a brother out! I have a huge dilemma. I’m Black, Bisexual, Christian, and Undetectable…..need I say more? It has become extremely difficult to have a lasting relationship with either gender. I have been cut short because of my race, my beliefs, my sexuality, and/or my status.  I am at a point where I’m ready (been ready) to settle down, build a life with my partner, and start a family. What to do?

BBCU