relationships

My Ex Broke Up with Me without Any Explanation… How Do I Move On?

Hi T!
I just started following you on IG this morning, I am super fascinated in your website thus far and appreciate your insights and responses. I am hoping you can give me some encouraging words.

Recently, I was in a serious relationship (or so I believed/still believed) with a man since November. Long story, short he was a great guy and really treated me how I wanted. Right before the holidays his financial situation caused him to land on some hard times. I emotionally (not financially) supported him during this time. Once after the New Year he told me he was having some suicidal thoughts, but luckily did not follow through.

Fast forwarding, his job allowed him to travel across the country to make more money. I agreed to try long distance as he claimed he would be able to take time off once a month. A few weeks ago, he yelled at me for not telling him I had dinner with friends (both male and gay). I did tell him indeed. At the end of the conversation I tried to say ‘I love you’ and he brushed it to the side and hung up. I decided to take 2 days off and not speak to him to clear my mind, as there have been some instances where he has thrown these tantrums.

When I tried to call him he didn’t answer and a few days later I noticed he deleted some of his social apps and decided to block me. I called him one final time to try and resolve the issues, and after no response sent a text message saying I still love him and that I respect his wishes, wish him the best etc.

I am sorry for the long message, but this was my first real relationship and I guess I am looking for some type of closure from him. I feel like just dropping off out of nowhere with no explanation is just so disrespectful and he basically just smashed my heart. I’m not sure if his ‘on the road’ job has tempted him to interact with men he meets, if he just wants freedom or if there may be some underlying mental health issues.

I have come to the realization that I will not get to the bottom of what happened, so how do I move on and not feel like every man I meet in the future (in a serious capacity) won’t hurt me like he has? Do you have any suggestions on how to move on? Side note: I invested so much time and energy into this man and I was very faithful to him.

Thank you so much for any light or advice. Much love.
-Struggling Hopeless Romantic

friendship

My Best Friend Has a Boyfriend, and Now He Has No Time for Me

Dear T,

This site you have is pretty amazing.  I’m mad I literally just found it. Good stuff.  Anyway, let’s see if you can help me out here.  I’m so sick and tired of one of my best friends lately.  He’s been seeing his boyfriend or whatever for about a month now, and I know it’s been that long because I’ve seen his boyfriend for that long.  Not that I’m dating his boyfriend or anything, but every time I hang out with my friend these days he has to bring his boyfriend around.  If I hit my friend to go out for drinks, he brings his boyfriend.  If I hit him to go to a house party, he brings his boyfriend. If I call him to go out to eat, he’s asking if he can bring his man.  It’s like damn, can I just hang with my friend by himself.  I want to talk to my friend about it, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to blow it up into a big thing, and I don’t want to get into it.  What do you think?

-Not Jealous But Annoyed

relationships

My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Showing the Goods on Instagram

Hi Tavion,
Nice site. I’m a fan of the advice you give. It’s good advice but not too harsh. Anyway, hoping you can help me to figure out what to do with my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I’m competing with all of Instagram. I get that he’s really proud of his body transformation, but why does he have to post his body so much? At first I didn’t mind, but now I’m starting to feel some type of way. Like he can’t save some stuff for my eyes only. Everyone one doesn’t need to see what he looks like in underwear and what his print looks like. We are in a committed relationship and if he’s committed to me, why does he need to advertise for someone else? I don’t care what he says about it being for the sake of leg day pics or whatever, it’s inviting thots to blow up his inbox. By the way, I’ve asked him to chill with those kind of posts, and he kind of brushed me off. Told me I have nothing to worry about. Anyway, what do I here short of backhanding him and reporting all his photos on Instagram?
Thanks,
No Prude But

The Lifestyle

I Was Trying to Date Him, Not Him and His Crazy Ex

Hey T,

You’ve been my unbiased “go-to” for quite some time. And this newest solicitation for advice won’t be any different. Let me jump right in, as this might turn lengthy.

I have been dating this guy for approximately 3 months, however it seems as if we have known each other much longer. The chemistry, conversation, and connection are purely organic.  We talk for hours on hours (about relevant things). He’s just all around nice guy.  I’ll refer to him as may’bae (potential future bae) going forward.

May’bae has this friend that he has known for quite a while.  The both of them are from the same area and relocated to the immediate area, went to college together, been roommates, and May’bae has taken care of this friend when he was down (after surgery/etc). After close observations (from conversations), I started feeling like the friend was more than a friend or that something had possibly existed between them in years past.  When I inquired he assured me that it was nothing more than a friendship.  I took it for face value, but I still had a very weird feeling about the connection.   I met this friend while I visiting May’bae and the friend was very short and stand-offish with me.  When I asked May’bae about it he said, “Oh that’s just how he is with everybody…”

Fast forward… we have been spending a lot of time together as you do when you’re getting to know someone and this friend apparently feels some type of way about it.  He popped up at May’bae’s place and confronted him about who he’d been spending his time with and asked was it me.  Once confirmed, this sent his friend into a fiery rage. He started making comments like “I thought you and I were going to be together, What does he have that I don’t have?….etc”

He pushes May’bae and a physical altercation ensued.

May’bae calls me crying because he has had a fight with who he thought was simply a friend that he had been helping out/held bake sessions with and just cool with. So anyway, it confirmed my assumptions that the friend indeed had feelings for him.

Being that this is really fresh, I don’t want to automatically penalize May’bae for just being there for a friend (who apparently had secret feelings for him). I don’t believe it’s his fault. The friend has since apologized for “acting out of character” and that May’bae has been a shoulder for him and most recently since he hasn’t been coming around he feels alone and wants to reconcile. I’m struggling with this idea because it sounds like he’s just trying to pull May’bae back into his life.

Perhaps once they sit down and talk he can let him know what it is and what it isn’t.  I liken this entire scenario to dating someone who is still close to an ex (knowing that the ex still has feelings for them).  I truly believe he doesn’t feel the same, but it’s my uncomfortable level of knowing that he’s still will be around someone who is actually in love with him.  Lastly, I don’t want to put him in a predicament to choose between me and his long time friend (who’s now not so “secretly” in love with him after all the tea was spilled).  Could this be a red flag for me or am I digging a little too deep with this?

Thanks,

Confused

*** UPDATE***

May’bae who is now Trash, confessed that he and this friend had been in a relationship for the past 3 years! This would explain why this “friend” was so passionate.  So he basically sold me an entire lie and I bought it. Sadly, my feelings are really hurt, because we talked about the future and etc.  He was a great guy beyond the lies and drama. Things certainly happen for a reason.

-Confused

Dating

I Just Left My Husband…How Do I Date In This New-Age Dating World?

T,

I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted.  I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward.  However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me.  It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.

-urgh it’s complicated.

Dating

If We’re Not in a Relationship Yet, Should I Buy a Valentine’s Day Gift?

T,

I have a question for you.  Should I be buying a Valentine’s Day gift for a guy I’ve only been dating for 3 weeks?  It’s weird because part of me thinks it’s kind of early for me to spend money on a gift for someone I’m not sure I’m going to be with a month for now. I mean the guy is cool, and we click, but our thing is still pretty early. Then there’s the whole thing that if I get him something, but he doesn’t get me anything, I may feel some type of way.  Although, I don’t want him to be pissed if he buys me something, but I decide not to get him anything.  Maybe I shouldn’t be this worried about it, but we are supposed to meet up Valentine’s Day and I’m running out of time to think on it. You’re help would be much appreciated.

-Black Cupid 93

friendship, relationships

I Have Forgiven My Boyfriend, but My Friends Haven’t. What Do I Do?

T,

What would you do if you were me? I’m having a hard time getting my friends, my sister, and my cousin to like my boyfriend. No matter what I do, they act like they can’t give him a break, and he’s done nothing to them. They are always cordial to him or whatever, minus my sister, but anytime we all hang out you can tell there is tension in the air.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even bring him around when I’m with them and vice versa, and that’s no way to live.  I want everybody to accept my baby and love him like I do.  Or at least be happy I’ve found a good man.

If you’re thinking he’s done something to my friends and family, you’re wrong.  He hasn’t done a thing to them. Directly anyway.  My boyfriend cheated on me twice and my crew supported me through it each time. When I told them he changed when he and I got back together this last time, they didn’t buy it. So again, what would you do if you were me?

From,

Vic 94

Dating

His Number of Instagram Followers Makes Me Cautious to Date Him

T,

I’m going to share with you my problem, but I’m hoping you don’t judge me too harshly. So I’m trying to talk to this guy I met at a party over MLK Weekend. When we met, we just really vibed.  Not to mention, he is sexy. The body, the voice, he’s just got himself put together.  Since meeting, we’ve been texting and talking on the phone. It’s been great.  That is until we decided to follow each other on Instagram.   This guy has like 20,000 followers which kind of bothers me.  He doesn’t own a small business, he’s not an entertainer, he doesn’t model, and he’s not a personal trainer.  In my head, I’m like why in the hell does he have that many followers?

I keep thinking that a guy with that many followers has a lot of hoes in his DM, and I refuse to be a person in his hoe-tation. My best friend told me I’m overthinking the situation, but I’d hate to talk more and more to this guy, date him, and then get in a relationship with him, only to find out I’ve been competing with other guys on social media. What are your thoughts?

-Lite Brite Rob

Dating

I Think The Guy I’m Seeing Looks at Me as Daddy and NOT Zaddy

Hey According to T.

I love the advice that you give and as I’m reading I think of the advice I would give. For once I have a dilemma of my own. I met a younger guy a few years ago on an out of town trip, he was in high school so I left it alone after I found this out. Recently he contacted me, he’s now 20 with plans on relocating to my city. We talk everyday when time between my work schedule and his school and work schedule allows us to do so. I asked him why he likes me and his response was that he’s attracted to bigger and older guys and that I’m always concerned with his well-being and would do anything for him. How should I take that as I’m not wanting to be a daddy to anyone?

Signed not your daddy

Dating

8 Things You Should NOT Do on Your First Date

Preparing to go into the New Year, I decided to give those single and looking some dating tips to help them in their search in 2018. This is a DO NOT list, so if you find yourself doing any of these things in 2017, switch it up going forward. Heck, what do you have to lose? Especially, if doing it your way hasn’t produced the results you want.