relationships

He Confessed to Cheating but Lied in His Confession… Should I Take Him Back?

T,

I am having quite a bit of trouble figuring out what to do. I have been dating my serious boyfriend for six years now. About a year ago, he left for an internship at Disney where he would be gone for nearly eight months working and living in Florida (we live in Illinois). I went to visit him during his program and when I left, he only had about a month and a half left of his internship.

Within that month he got close to a girl he met at the beginning of his program and cheated on me with her. They had sex, decided it was a mistake, then had sex again. After their second time, he finally said no more to having sex, however, the two continued to hang out, cuddle, kiss, and say I love you.

When he came home, they officially ended things between each other. I found out a few weeks after he came home, or so I thought. When he finally “came clean,” he actually told me that his cheating only involved one drunken make-out session. Even though I was hurt, I decided to believe him and stay with him. Five months later, I find out the whole truth because I remembered a small detail that I had brushed off before, not thinking my boyfriend, of five years at the time, would cheat on me. He finally came completely clean.

I truly do believe that he is telling me the entire truth now and that he truly regrets what he did while in Florida; however, I am still finding it really hard to trust him. No matter how much I want to still be with him and think that we can work through things, I am constantly picturing him with the girl and picturing him cheating on me. I just don’t know if our past, our love, and our good times can truly overcome the constant thought of what he did.

-Kris

relationships

My Boyfriend Wants to Have a Threesome, But I’m not Sure I’m Ready

What do you do when your boyfriend wants to start having a threesome but you aren’t ready? Straight and to the point, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and for about a month now he has been hinting at spicing up our sex life. I tried putting on sexy underwear and we tried toys, but he still thinks we lack excitement. I don’t completely disagree, but it seems like he feels more strongly about it than I do. So when I asked what else he wants to try, he asked how I would feel about inviting someone in sexually every once and a while. I’m not really feeling the idea, because I’m pretty sure I’d get super jealous. Then there’s the fact,  I keep thinking once we open this door, it will lead to cheating, and I don’t have time. I appreciate your thoughts on this, because my friends were kind of split on their advice.

-The Jealous One

Dating

I Really Like Him, But He Won’t Meet Me in Person

T,

I have a problem I don’t think you’ve written about but hoping you can help me with. I’ve been talking to this guy who I really like for about six weeks or so on IG. Not only does he have body and a great smile, but he also is sexy to me because he is smart. The conversations we have always leave me feeling a type of way if you know what I mean. As great as this guy seems though, we haven’t met in person. Every time I suggest it, he says cool, kind of flakes last minute.

Now usually, I’d tell a guy about himself and just block him. But every time I go to do that, I go through our messages and look at pics of him, and get a little hot to be honest. It doesn’t help that we’ve phone boned a couple of times, and it was sexy. And he’s seen private photos of mine and I’ve seen his, so I feel invested for some reason. My friends think I’m being dumb and being played, but part of me just feel like me and this guy could work, so I don’t want to cut him off completely. Besides, I still talk to other dudes. Could use your input.

-Shamefully Sprung

Dating

Five Things Millennials Get Wrong on the First Date

Attention my fellow millennials. I clearly wrote this post with you all in mind. As a millennial myself, I feel completely qualified in criticizing the mistakes our generation makes when it comes to dating. Well, with first dates in particular. While I’m sure I could compile a list of more than five things, I think the following is sufficient. And like always, please remember my platform is meant to help not hurt. So let’s get started.

Dating

You May Like Him, BUT Don’t Ignore Your Instincts

Hi T,

I don’t know if this is a shot in the dark but I was hoping you’d help me… I read a few of your advice and I honestly love your non bias and honest words and solutions.

So I met this guy on a professional website. We connected and he sent me a message, we chatted for a while and he asked me for my contact details. We started chatting and everything was going well and we decided to talk over the phone. After about a week of communication this guy tells me he’s in love with me and wants me as his woman for the rest of his life etc. T, these words are like music to my ears but I feel something is amiss.

He says he works as a businessman and he travels a whole lot. Please note : he’s a foreigner in this country and says he’s been here on and off for 10 years trying to build his business with the longest he’s stayed in the country being 2 years.

I think he’s married or he’s hiding something and I’ve stated some reasons below. On his initial trip after we met he told me they had meetings late into the night, I mean that’s possible but every night for a week? That’s when I started to get suspicious as I realized he would be unavailable after a certain time.

Same thing happened when he supposedly travelled to another state, late night meetings and then he goes offline around 9:30/10pm every night only to continue the conversation the next day. I brought this to his attention and he made himself available late into some nights but went back to the same schedule. It’s always one reason or the other.

2) When we video call he’s always outside somewhere either in a car or in the balcony. Always

3) I once asked him to send me his location and he flipped out and called me insecure and told me he’s tired of my suspicions and accusations. The next day he sent a screen shot of his location. A screen shot of an image. Not an actual location that could open in Google maps like I expected.

4) He has no place or a car or any asset in this country and he says this is because he travels a lot and he stays with his colleagues and he says when he comes into my town we would be in hotel or at my place

5) I hear a dog barking in the background most times when we talk

6) I once heard a child’s voice in the background but he hung up right after and told me I heard nothing

7) Most times I call he doesn’t answer immediately and calls me back.

I’ve yet to meet this guy but I need to know if I shouldn’t even bother. I mean I know married men can deny being married but I also know they typically run away from commitment but this guy has told me repeatedly that he wants to get married and have babies etc. He reassures me that he’s single and all but I don’t know why I feel something is off. I’ve Googled him, his name and his business check out but I didn’t find much else.

Please analyze this for me before I make a mistake.

Thank you in anticipation.

-Betty

Dating, relationships

Why Do Men in Relationships Cheat?

Tavion,

Short and simple question, why do guys cheat? I read your article on good guys cheating, and I thought you had some good insight. While I’m not sure if I could just forgive a man for cheating on me going forward, because I haven’t in the past, I appreciate the new perspective. Before I go too far left on a tangent, again I just want to know why you think guys cheat. I have my own thoughts, but interested in yours.

From,

Always Curious George

Dating, relationships

Should Your Dating Preferences Be Considered Offensive?

I recently had a brief yet interesting discussion with someone on Instagram that I thought I’d share with you all.  To give a little backstory, the individual in question is a gay person of color that was having a conversation with some of his acquaintances. When he and his friends started talking about dating preferences, he mentioned that he was not usually attracted to white men. At that revelation, he was accused of being racist. Keep in mind, from my understanding he didn’t go on a rant about white men being inferior or the devil.  And he didn’t say anything about practicing open discrimination against white men either. So feeling like it was two against one in the conversation with his acquaintances, he reached out to me to get my input.

Dating

I Thought We Were Vibing, Then I Found out About His Girlfriend

 Hey T.,

I have to admit that you give the best advice – I’ve been reading your page for a week and I’m already in love.

Two weeks ago, I went to a coffee shop with two of my friends and while we were having fun, I noticed that the waiter was interested in me. I kept playing with him as I had just broken up with my boyfriend and when I went to the bathroom with my friends, he came in and told me that he liked me but he was 10 years older than me. The next week I went back there and we exchanged numbers. Two days after that we went on a date and we ended up kissing. We talked a little over the next few days on the phone and I went back there after 5 days and he was totally flirting me and we made out again. He wanted to go out with me again but he cancelled our date because of his job. This afternoon I found some pictures of him and a girl on Facebook and I asked him if he was in a relationship and he replied yes, that our “thing” didn’t mean to be something special and that he’d rather I didn’t tell his gf about us. What should I do?

-Confused

Dating

He Told Me He Loves Me But I Wasn’t Ready to Say it Back

T,

My best friend told me about your blog, and I love it. That post about relationships vs companionship was good. I’m thinking you may be able to help me.  I’ve been seeing  this guy for about a month.  We never had the relationship talk, and we both have been rocking with each other hard.  However,  I know I still flirt and talk with other guys.  I thought he was doing the same, until he told me two nights ago that he loves me. I was blown, because I didn’t think we had gotten there yet.   I didn’t want him to feel bad so I told him verbatim “awe, love ya.”  But I don’t think I love him.  I mean I could love him eventually, but I’m not there yet. I feel things between has gotten a lot more serious than I wanted it to right now. What do I do here to slow things down with this man without pissing him off and making him want to stop talking to me?

-I’m Not Ready for Love

Dating

Your Job When Dating is NOT to Play Therapist

I read your passage on “maybe you’re the reason you’re single” and I definitely agree with all you’re saying. You absolutely get back what you put in. You don’t attract what you want but attract what you are, makes total sense. What I want to pick your brain on is why I attract men in committed relationships?

I am 26 and have never been in a committed relationship, and I never really get past the “talking” phase. Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s mutual. I’ve been working on myself a lot.  I’m often referred to as extremely positive, bubbly, always smiling.  I make people feel good and I’ve accepted that often times I attract “broken people”.  I’ve fallen into the habit of helping or fixing everyone I come in contact with, and it really helps them but leaves me drained.  Perhaps that has something to do with why I’m attracting these committed guys.

I’ve been working on my visualization and affirmations and I meditate often focusing on the life I want with who I want and I meet these incredible guys.  Men who are so ideal to what I picture for myself, until they tell me they’re married or have a girlfriend. I have a history with men who do not want to commit and now I’m meeting people who are capable and willing to commit except they’ve done so already with someone else.

These things normally end in me giving them advice and helping them see that they are only wanting to be with me because something isn’t right in their marriage and they need to go to their wives and figure out what’s missing. I’m glad to help if that’s my journey but it breaks my heart because they really are good people deep down and it’s like I’m attracting the right man, now, just ones that aren’t available to me. Idk. Do you have any thoughts on why this keeps happening and what I could do to attract good single men?

-NW